Sounds Like Broken Records Playing Over
by NataliieW
Summary: "Well," I said rolling my eyes. "That's just well sweet, but I'm done playing that game too, and you can tell Blaise that I don't intend to get off with Draco more than I intend to get off with Crabbe." Draco and Pansy are addicted to each other, whether they like it or not.
1. Change

A/N and disclaimer: Hello! JKR is the best and she owns everything Potterish! Dialogue etc is mine though. Welcome to my sort of different D/P story. It's pretty much AU since it doesn't mention the war or anything. This is not how I really see D/P because in this Draco is somewhat of a badboy/player which I don't believe Canon-Draco is – but this is a plotbunny that I couldn't get out of my head. I hope you'll like it.

PS. There's a lot of cursing, alcohol and sex. Beware.

1

My relationship with Draco has always been a rollercoaster. We've known each other our entire lives basically, and we were urged together already as children. I hated him at first. He was selfish and he always decided what we were to play, never consulting me. He never played with my dolls or read my favourite tale (_Babbitty Rabbitty and her Cackling Stump_); no, he always forced me out in the mud, playing rough Quidditch – as if I were a boy. We always had a thing for each other – Draco usually hated girls – and I usually only hung out with girls. But there was something that made us two like each other.

So last year, fourth year, we got together after the Yule ball, snogging for the first time. Then we were sort of together, on and off for the rest of the school year. And everything was perfect except for when we argued (which, for the record, was a lot). Then we started fifth year and everything turned bad. Back to reality after a lovely summer together. We started fighting more, and everything turned to shit basically. If there's anyone who can make me feel utterly useless, it's him. I don't even know why we started fighting – I think basically it was because fifth year was more difficult, at least for me. I had to study loads. Also, he didn't like it when I hung out with my friends in my spare time instead of him. I had a difficult enough time balancing friends and school-work, and having a boyfriend just seemed to be getting in the way. That sounds horrible – and I don't know how it was because Draco brainwashed me into thinking I did everything wrong; being a bitch for only seeing him late at night sleeping together and not managing to see him in the days. But it wasn't like that from my point of view – I saw him at nights, crept into his dormitory, because I loved sleeping next to him, feeling the safety of his arms around me – because I loved him so much.

But he said I didn't appreciate him enough, he became colder towards me, and started making up stories that I was cheating on him and bringing up old things that happened almost a year before in our relationship. We had a massive fight one day at Prefect patrols. What I remember most clearly of what he said to me that night was "you're such a bloody slag and I never cared about you anyway!" – heartless things like that that he says to his girlfriend of almost a year, with the only motive to hurt me. Basically he split up with me. I was heartbroken for a month, tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't read my notes I _wingardium'd_ at him in Charms class, he walked away whenever I tried approaching him in the common room, and he didn't show up for prefect duties.

But then one night he did. Just as I came out into the dark dungeon outside Slytherin common room, I heard the portrait swinging open another time. I turned around and there he was, coming towards me. We just stood and looked at each other for a moment, my heart was beating fast, and he was looking unusually humble. Then he just came up and hugged me, held me really. I almost started crying. I remember breathing in his scent and feeling like I was complete again and just holding on for dear life. I couldn't work without him. Remembering this, my stomach still turns over and my heart jumps. Same if I run into him. But anyway. We had sex that night, because we missed each other so terribly, sickly much. I fooled myself into thinking it meant we were getting back together, I kept telling myself he'd approach me the next day because the possibility of us being over was... unreal.

I knew I'd never become as close to anyone else, I couldn't possibly – he was my favourite person in the whole world and I knew I'd been that person for him as well, for almost a year. But he ignored me the next day. He was out of bed when I woke up. He wasn't at breakfast in the Great Hall either, nor in Potions class, or any of the lessons we had that day. I tried talking to him the day after that, but he ignored me. Finally two days later I sent him a note in class. 'What's going on?' I wrote. I glanced at him when he received it. His head was laying low – he refused to look at me. His face was cold, and the same cold spread through me when I read his response in clear black ink. Inescapable. 'Nothing'.

I was empty for months and felt like I'd had a Dementor's kiss – soulless. Nobody could cheer me up, not my friends, not my parents, or anyone. I just kept on living but not really living, the days just passed and I had a big hole inside of me that nothing could fill – and I just couldn't be happy. I don't know why I didn't try to talk to him, persuade him, make him see senses – I didn't even try. I suppose I wanted him to do it and I suppose in the same way time tells all because he didn't give two shits about me because he slept with me and didn't give to shits to keep in touch after. It hurt so much, thinking about it all the time, repeating what I'd done wrong in my head, mentally breaking myself down, thinking all I ever was to him was a shag, he never loved me like he'd said he did a hundred times during our relationship – hell, probably never even liked me, while he always had my heart and still did. It hurt so much.

I never got whole again.

It's been a year now. We had sex a year ago. We've just started sixth year and we never speak.

I've been with my friends, done school-work. I've got great marks now. And I'm bored shitless, and my life is empty. I've been focusing on school so much during last year and the first month now of this year simply because I've been needing a distraction, but it's not working.

I'm not happy. I must change something. I must.


	2. Not

2

My life lately have been very laid-back. I don't do much except prefect duties and school-work. Naturally, I've got my best friends without whom I wouldn't last a day in Hogwarts – Daphne Greengrass, who I've known my entire life and who is like a sister to me – blonde and both bitchy and adorably nice (she's the prettiest girl in Slytherin and loves to flirt – she and Blaise Zabini who happens to be Draco's best mate has an on and off relationship similar to how me and Draco were, but the difference is that they keep cheating on each other). Tracey Davis, the clever brunette in our group, she's the one who gets us to study. Millicent Bulstrode, a female Crabbe and Goyle if you will, but she's a loyal friend and she always has my back. And Aurelia Runcorn, a fellow Death Eater's daughter - altough, that is not something us Slytherins talk openly about, despite common perception.

The boys in our year are Draco Malfoy – smug wanker living off his father's reputation; Blaise Zabini – who loves nothing but his mum, beer and sex; Theodore Nott – the only normal one and one of my good friends (at least he was, before me and Draco split up…); Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle – who mostly hangs after Draco. We used to hang out loads with the older blokes as well – like Montague, Pucey, Warrington and them. I was best friends with all the lads. Butt hen me and Draco broke up and naturally he got custody…

It's sick how me and Draco have managed to not speak for a year despite going to the same boarding school. Not until this weekend, that is.

Friday evening, when finally our last History of Magic lesson ended, us girls went down to the Great Hall for dinner. It was a bubbly and exciting athmosphere in the Hall – everyone was excited for the weekend. We'd only been back in school for about a month but I knew at least me and my friends were sick of it.

After dinner, we went up to the dormitory which we all share and started getting ready for the evening, doing our makeup and sipping on some elf-made wine meanwhile. Then we sneaked out to Hogsmeade. Giggling through the dungeons, until we found the secret passage behind the portrait of the one-eyed with on the forth floor.

Imagine my surprise when we enter Hog's Head and the lads are all there. Including Draco. Soon as I saw him, my stomach started aching and my heart skipped a beat and I felt like I wanted to vomit. It'd been so long… He saw me too - we got that eyecontact, which made me completely weak. I didn't want to see him, and he was sitting with two girls on each side of him. It was so awkward. And naturally all my girlfriends walked up and said hello to the boys, and I would've too if he wasn't there - since I know all those lads. I didn't. Millicent immediately looked at me when we saw that Draco was there, and she took me by the hand and went to another table and we sat down there.

The girls came round and sat down after saying hello to the lads. They immediately dived in and started throwing questions at me, it was all a blurr. "Draco's here, bloody hell! You haven't hung out with him for, what, a year, yeah?" "Why didnt you say hi?" "Do you want him back?" "Did see you see all those girls the boys are with, and there were two of them who were like clinging onto to him, he's such a fucking player, you dont want him back." (Last one was Daphne, decisive as ever naturally).

They were basically just asking all the questions I was asking myself in my head. I felt overwhelmed suddenly – sat and not at all excited to go out. I just wanted to go home and cry in my bed basically. The girls noticed that and tried to cheer me up. "Dont be sad! Love, your way much better than him and he knows that as well!" "Yeah, come on, let's get you a boy to forget about this."

That last comment made me realise that no other boy would make me happy because he was the only one who could do that. I felt even more down. I cast a glance towards the boys crowded table and saw that Draco had leaned over, slightly distancing himself from the two girls, towards Theodore and Blaise, looking like they were whispering - I looked really hastily but I managed to see that Draco looked awkward; holding his hand over his mouth slightly stroking it and his eyes flickering round my way. I decided to not look at him again that night, and try to have fun with my friends but it felt impossible because he was all I thought about.

Of course I wanted him back. I couldn't even fool myself – how was I going to fool my friends, his friends or _him_?

Millicent stayed with me all the time. The girls went to get drinks and, sippping on my pint of lager, I glanced over and noticed Draco fiercely snogging on of the girls next to him. Blonde and in a tight little dress, he was running his hand up her thigh and I felt sick. Then they broke apart and he sent a glance our way before grabbing his beer and taking a swig of it. Wanker.

"Why would he do that?" said Tracey irritatedly who, like everybody else, had noticed.

"He's trying to make her jealous obviously" said Daphne disdainfully. She's always hated Draco, and he didn't exactly love her either. "But she won't be, will she, Pans?"

I rolled my eyes.

"He's a wanker" said Aurelia firmly.

"Can we leave?" I said suddenly, not having spoken since I first saw him. Everyone nodded and murmured "Yeah, of course."

"No, Pansy, come on" Daphne whined, "We just got here, nobody's finished their drinks. Just don't let it bother you. Let's just have fun!"

I didn't reply.

Suddenly Theodore got up over at the other table and made his way to us.

"All right, girls?"

Everyone greeted him merrily except me, and he carefully placed himself between Millicent and me.  
He chitchatted to the group a few moments before turning to me and whispering: "So, running into your ex, yeah, is that all right for you?"

I couldnt tell if he was sympathic or enjoying it, as if he thought everything was all right and that it would be fun if me and Draco got off again or something – it was probably the later alternative seeing as Theodore was a bloke. It made me irritated and I couldn't manage to be my cheerful and social self.

I took a sip of my drink, didn't look at him and muttered: Aare you getting at something?"

Theodore made a woo-sound. "Oh, someones sensitive!"

"Yeah, because I wanted to go out with my friends and not deal with this rubbish,Ii mean look at him, snogging her and looking at me to make me jealous? What the hell - are we in primary or what? He's pathethic." I hadnt realised that my voice had got loud and that all the girls had quietened down and had all heard. Everyone was looking at me like they felt sorry for me, pitied me. Fuck it, I thought. I sighed and got up. "I'm going to the loo."

"Do you want me to come with you?" asked Aurelia carefully.

"YES!" I said harshly.

Theodore looked stunned and half-called: "Pansy, I'm sorry".

Me and Aurelia had our backs to the table already and were on our way to the loo.

While in the loo, I stumbled to the toilet and sat down, shaking. Aurelia locked and turned to me, a sad look on her face.

"How are you feeling?"

I didnt answer.

"I mean – I know youre feeling horrible. What do you want to do? He's being a proper twat, he really is, I'm sorry."

"Dont say sorry, Ari, it's not your fault."

"I know but it breaks my heart when he does this to you.I hate to see you sad."

I sighed, feeling my eyes watering. "Fuck," I muttered. As two tears spilled down from my eyes , Aurelia rushed forward to embrace me and I sobbed out : "I love him. Fuck! I can't be here, Aurelia!"

"I know, love, I know. It's horrible, it really is…"

Then there was a knock on the door.

"Aurelia? Pansy?" a male voice was heard – I recognised it as Blaise's.

Aurelia called back "Yes?" while I exclaimed: "Sod off, Blaise!" drowning her voice.

We reckoned he left cause it was quiet, except for the beat of the low pub-music outside. I recognised the Weird Sisters' new song. We were quiet for a moment while I controlled my crying that was about to break out and postured myself. I would not give Draco the satisfaction of seeing he had an effect on me. I quickly put on some new rogue and we left the loo. I tried to look confident walking back to our table, not glancing at the boys' table. Theodore had gone back to his place beside Draco - backstabber. He used to be one of my best friends.

The girls had finished their first lager and bought a new round, apparantly putting their money together for one for me as well. "Thank you"Ii said for the beer and drank it really fast. It went on, I fake laughed with the others, we danced a little and pimarily _drank_ more.

"SHOTS, DAPH!" I called out merrily, about an hour later when I was a bit drunk.

Daphne cried out happily and called back "SHOTS!" and she reached for my hand while the others cheered and we went over to the bar and ordered a round of tequila shots. And while we waited for our order, I felt something creep up behind me.

I hastily turned around as someone whispered "Love, I'd pull down my dress a bit if I were you" in my ear, to stare him right in the face – Draco, with a sleazy, smug look on his face. I frowned, stunned and disgusted, but still with a pounding heart.

"Yeah," he laughed out disdainfully and cast a look at Crabbe and Goyle who were next to him. "Suppose thats your new thing, showing off the goods?"

I gaped and turned around to the bar, feeling like I could start crying. Why would he say things like that? I hadnt done anything to him, _he _dumped me for fuck's sake.

"Glad to see you're a dick as usual," Daphne muttered to him. "That was well immature."

Crabbe and Goyle sniggered which made me really angry because they used to be my friends, for a long time.

I tried to ignore Draco, I felt sick as if I was about to vomit and since I couldn't be cocky with him I figured I might as well let him say watever was on his chest to get it over with.

"Yeah? Im immature?" said Draco, laughing at Daphne. "Mate, leave it," said Goyle. Crabbe was ordering their lager.

"Yeah, listen to him and piss off back to your sluts over there in the corner!" said Daphne angrily.

Draco looked a little stunned and swayed slightly, obviously drunk. I got my table of shots and turned on my heel and walked back to our table.  
"Yeah, just leave Pansy, extremely mature, aren't you?" Draco called out after me. I heard Crabbe and Goyle telling him to calm down and they went back to their table.

Daphne hurried after me. "Bloody hell, what a tosser! But you do know that he was looking at you like his heart was about to break when you walked off and Crabbe and Goyle had to drag him along to their table! He obviously still loves you, but it's mental that he's doing it this way…"

"Daph, honestly I don't care, I dont wanna hear about it," I said quickly and coolly, interrupting her. It was making me naseous.

"Shots!" I called out to the girls who replied with half-hearted "woos" - they had seen the scene Draco had caused by the bar and they immediately started asking me about it. I waved the questions off – didn't want to talk about him, took up my shot and called out "cheers girls!" they were quick to grab their own and we did the shots.

About yet half an hour later, after another couple of round of shots, I was getting really plastered and so was everybody else. I knew i had his looks on me when I was up dancing and that felt good – I wasn't acknowledginh him, I kept ignoring him.

Later, somehow I ended up outside having a smoke with Millicent, Blaise, Montague and Pucey from the year above. Hastily, they got into the topic of me and Draco.

"Why are we talking about this?" I said irritatedly and harshly.

The boys protested: "Oh come on, Pansy…!" "You must be joking…" "We all know you still like him so why not just go for it?"

"Because he's a wanker, all right?" I had raised my voice. That silented them. There was an awkward silence, and I let go of my cigarette and stomped on it, turned to the door, and then Blaise spoke up.

"You two are not the same without each other, you've got to be together for everything to be all right."

I stopped, with my back to them. The world spinning. I took a deep breath and everyone expected me to say something, and then I continued inside. Fuckers.

Well inside me and Millicent went back to our table, the other girls were dancing. Millicent immediately asked if I was allright, and I was sick of the questions so I snapped at her and I sat sulking for a while, then feeling regretful for snapping at her when she just cared. Then I noticed Draco going off to the loo with that slutty blonde, I tried not to care but I realised I wanted to go home now more than ever and that I was a little naseous from the alcohol. Then the lads who'd been out smoking came back in and they all joined us at the table. The girls had stopped dancing and sat down again. And now everyone was sitting together and I tried to be invisible because I didn't want anybody talking to me.

Then Draco came and sat down with his mates, putting the blonde girl in his lap. I wanted to throw up. It went on like that, I only talked to Daphne, and the others went on socialising at our table - everyone did know each other well so it wasn't awkward for them.

Then Dracp randomly caught my eye, and I looked away. And he actually tapped the girl in his lap on her shoulder so she'd get up from his lap and he actually made his way across the table into the sofa where I was sitting, the farthest in. And everybody saw it, and the girl got angry and tried to laugh it off. My heart was beating as fuck and he squeezed himself down between me and Aurelia - luckily I had Daphne on my other side still with me. The blonde girl followed and sat on the other side of him. I didn't look at him.

"Hello, Pansy" he said teasingly. Like he was playing a game.

"What do you want?" I said, not having the strenght to be cocky.

"Thats not very nice is it?" he said. Bastard. I looked away and he leaned back, placing his arms back on the sofa as if around both me and the other girl, smirking at his friends across the table. He didn' t think I would see, or else he didn't care – I didn't know which. The guys laughed and I pushed him away slightly, getting upset and angry. "What are you doing? Draco, just stop it!"

He turned to me, smiling that evil smile that I positively hate. "Yeah? Or else?"

"Draco, just leave it," said Aurelia. "Pansy, do you want to go to the loo?"

"No," I said firmly. I would not let him drive me away.

Everything went on as normal except that it was extremely awkward. I kept sipping my lager and the others continued talking and laughing.

"Come on, let's go dance again," whined the blonde girl on Draco's other side.

"I'm all right here. You go if you want to," replied Draco uninterestedly.

"No come on," she kept whining. She leaned in to kiss him and he kissed back, his hands on her, made me sick. I looked away. She got up and reached for his hand, but he didn't take hers. "Draco! Come on! Let's go"

Something in me snapped and I turned to her, aggrivated: "He said he doesn't want to go, is there something wrong with your mental capacity?" I said with a loud voice. By now everyone around the table was looking. The girl gaped and blushed. Draco turned to me and started laughing.

"And who the fuck are you?" she said in a bitchy tone. I felt embarassed for meddling in their business, I _didn't _care about him, so I just turned to the other side and ignored her.

"Whatever," she muttured. "Draco, are you coming or not?"

I expected to hear him drawl something but he was quiet. And then he said, without the previous strenght in his voice. "You go on."

And she gaped, and finally left.

"Just say whatever you came to say because you've obviously got something on your mind," I said to Draco then, sighing slightly. He didn't even look at me, he smirked and looked at Montague across the table. Wanker.

For a while we sat like that, everyone of us, just drinking and talking and having fun. I managed to relax slightly because I imagined Draco wasn't there. And then he spilled an entire pint over me.  
Honest. And as everyone else gasped and I froze and cried out, he started laughing as if it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen.

There was a paus in which I didnt say anything – I just stared at my friends and then I got up, which broke the silence, because everyone started saying "Pans, come on, don't leave" and "Pansy, are you all right?" "Do you want me to come with you?"

Daphne, Tracey and Aurelia came with me to the loo where we wiped me off and talked bad about Draco – I was so sodding angry I couldn't find words. He ruined my dress and embarassed me over and over. When we got back, it was awkward at the table, except for Draco who was sniggering as he saw me, "Ooh, that's not that bad, though!" he laughed.

I sent him a murderous glare and sat down at the other end of the sofa. Tracey sat down inbetween me and Draco because I didn't want to sit next to him.

"It's all right, you can barely see it, honest" Theodore tried to cheer me up over the table. "He's just too drunk, aren't you, Draco?"

Draco laughed again and leaned over Tracey to touch my dress, on my belly, and on my thigh, "wiping" it off slightly. I pushed his hand away, exclaiming: "Draco, get _off_ me. Just leave me alone!"

Tracey got up and went to sit next to Daphne instead, not wanting to be in the middle of us two, I supposed.

Everything went on around us, I wasn't center of attention anymore thank Merlin. Draco laughed again and came to sit closer, and he rubbed my thigh and belly trying to dry off my dress. It sent tingles all through me.

"Stop that," I said, not as angry anymore.

"But you're wet..." he said, smirking slightly. "I'm sorry, obviously I didn't do it on purpose."

"You didn't even say sorry until just no. You laughed at me..." I'm ashamed of myself for that small smile that crept up onto my face.

"I'm sorry," he said, smiling and giving me "that" look. Fuck. He was so close suddenly. I couldn't help but to wonder what he'd been up to the previous year, how many girls he had fucked. And that hurt like a knife in my stomach.

For a while we sat like that, sipping on our beers and talking to the group.

Then I felt his hand in my hair, casually playing with a strand. I had to stay strong and deny him.

"Draco" I said, raising my eyebrows at him.

"What?"

"Don't do that," I said sternly.

"Do what?" he smirked. He moved his hand down to the back of my neck just below my head and gave a tiny massage with one hand. It felt so nice and his warm body next to me smelled like my favourite after shave in the world – it was so bloody tempting.

"That," I repeated. I grabbed his wrist and brought his hand away.

We didn't speak for about ten minutes.

"He just manages to make me feel sad so easily," I mumbled to Tracey when she asked if I was all right.

"Yeah I get it... Its' not all right, the things he do. But I do think he does them to get your attention because he 's still in love with you. I do."

"Doesn't really matter why he does it," I said, "It doesn't matter if he does it for a 'good' reason, he's still doing mean things to me."

Yeah, and thats not all right, I know," Tracey agreed.

The lads came back from the bar with shots and we all took them together, cheering and having fun – but my mind was occupied.

Draco slung himself down into the sofa next to me again. _Sigh._

"Do you want to go outside for a moment?" he mumbled. I didn't even look at him.

"Not with you." I didn't even look at him. A few of our friends heard that and laughed.


	3. Wrong

3

Not long after that us girls left the pub. I said goodbye to Blaise, Theodore, Crabbe, Goyle, Marcus Flint, Montague, Pucey, Warrington, Bole, Derrick, Urquhart and Higgs – but not to Draco. But he approached me. He was drunk, swaying and stumbling around. His eyes wouldn't focus on me but he mumbled swinishly in my ear: "R' you leaving? Thought we'd shag."

I hastily pulled away and gave him a disgusted glare, my mouth open in shock. As I turned and walked away I shook my head in disbelief.

We left and I sobered up on the way home - a walk through a dark and abandoned Hogsmeade was precisely what I needed. I hung back a little, studied my friends as they waltzed around, loudly socialising with each other. A thought crept up inside me. Was I supposed to be happy now? My friends sure seemed like they were. So why couldn't I be?

I decided I was just a bit too sober to be happy.

When we finally had returned to the castle and I lay tucked in bed listening to Daphne's snores, Draco's face appeared in my mind. His scents, the feel of his hair, the sound of his voice. The words he'd spoken just before I left echoed in my head like vicious snakes that wouldn't let me go.

Fuck. Why had I even let him be near me? I knew it would just destroy me. I should've gone home the second I saw him at the pub. _Fuck , fuck , fuck_. I knew I'd fall right back into his traps. I'm so stupid.

For the first time, I felt like I was finished for real this time. Never him again, never.

All day after I tried to catch his eye. In the Great hall at breakfast (but he was occupied with his full English), in History of Magic (but he was sleeping with his head on the desk), on the way back down to the common room after dinner (but hhe was walking ahead speaking with Crabbe and Goyle).

Nothing.

I couldn't sleep that night either, and in the middle of the night, after lying sleepless for hours swishing about, something made me get up, put my robe on and silently make my way out of the dormitory and up the stairs to the common room. I imaged I would see my hero waiting outside like he used to back when we had fights. He wasn't there. With a lump in my throat, I realised things wasn't like it used to be. That we wouldn't get back together. This was not a fight we had for a couple of days that would just strengthen ourrelationship. No. It was _over_. My heart hurt. It had been over for a year. He wasn't mine anymore, he wasn't my soulmate and he wasn't my hero and I wasn't the only girl for him. It was a realisation that made me gasp for air and I had to sit down on one of the green armchairs in the common room.

When had it become like this?


	4. Succumb

4

Each morning that entire week I woke up with a proper headache from crying.

On Friday evening us girls planned on going out again. We were all in the dormitory after dinner, doing our makeup while having a glass of elfmade wine that Daphne had smuggled in, before going out. The girls came upon the subject of me and Draco – a topic I'd rather have avoided.

"_Well_," emphasised Tracey very merrily. "D'you reckon you'll pull Draco tonight, then?"

The girls giggled in chorus. "No," I said defiantly.

"I think you've got to see it like this," began Daphne boldly. "Do you mind if anybody else gets off with him? Because if you do then I suppose you've got the answer right there, haven't you."

"No, I haven't, because even if I care if he hooks up with anybody else, that doesn't mean I should try to get back together with him. It doesn't mean we're meant to be."

Millicent and Tracey looked sad and understanding.

"I still think you should pull him," said Daphne, rolling her eyes.

"Why?" I asked slightly sad and frowning. Why would she want me to go through that? We would have sex and then he'd ignore me. I knew it. I reckoned Daphne could be rather insensitive sometimes, the only downside with my best friend. She just wants people to do things because it's fun for her to watch.

"Cos it's fun," she shrugged, a satisfied smile on her face. Isn't it odd behaviour, wanting to put your best friend through something like that?

I ignored her and went to the lavatory, slightly offended. Tracey understood that and hurried after me.

"Pansy…"

I looked up. I was standing over the sink, looking at myself in the mirror.

"Don't mind her, you knonw she can be a little too much sometimes," Tracey told me and reached up to stroke my arm a bit. "And do whatever you like about Draco. I mean… He clearly still likes you, I dunno to what extent though."

I nodded, looking away.

"I mean," she went on. "I don't know if he just wants to shag you or if he's prepared to commit to a proper relationship again. I suppose that's for you to decide – whether you want to dare take a chance or not."

"I suppose so," I mumbled.

"Keeping in mind that he's hurt you a few times earlier and that you probably shouldn't, but at the same time I know what your heart wants it so I can quite imagine how you'll reason, and I dont think there's anything wrong with it if you do choose to try and give him that chance. I know that if it works out you'll be happy and that would make me glad as well. But if it doesn't, and he fucks you over again, you'll be destroyed and broken... but I know you'll take everything in consideration and I trust you to make good descisions."

"Thanks Trace," I said genuinely.

Then it was go-time. We finished our drinks and our makeup and went out. We sneaked out of Hogwarts again and went down to the Three Broomsticks for a change. The boys weren't there yet. Daphne and Aurelia had talked to them about going out together and I was secretly excited about it while feeling ashamed of being excited.

About an hour later, the boys arrived. Draco looked so good – messy hair and a proper shirt. I was so used to seeing him in his school robes. It reminded me of when we were together, since that was probably last I'd seen him like that. I looked away and sipped my drink. The boys came up to us and said hello to everybody and sat down with us.

Draco waved at me childishly and sat down far away from me. It made me confused, he can be rather odd. And that stung a bit in my heart. But I tried not to care. What did it matter if he didnt say hello to me?

We all made ourselves comfortable and just hung out and kept drinking. It was all right but of course i couldn't focus - I just wanted to talk to him, wanted him to come sit next to me and give me all of his attention. _Oh fuck_…

About yet an hour later, when Daphne and I were making our way through the crowd towards the exit to have a smoke, Draco and Flint came up behind us and followed us out which we didn't notice until we came outside.

"All right lads?" said Daphne merrily. I just lit my cigarette and looked at a witch passing by on the street as I inhaled and blew out the smoke.

"Yeah, big party in here tonight, yeah?" Flint said and all of them lit their cigarettes.

"Well nice" said Daphne enthusiastically.

"Yeah loads of birds," said Draco harshly. _Wanker_. I took a deep breath, concentrating on not letting him bother me.

"Yeah, supposedly us lads will all get some, yeah?" laughed Marcus.

"Ugh, you're both such dickheads!" exclaimed Daphne, entertained but disgusted.

The boys laughed it off. Draco reached out and grabbed me by the back of my neck and sort of pulled me towards them, saying: "Why dont you join the lovely chat, Pansy?"

He was just odd and it disappointed me slightly even though I knew I shouldn't care.

"Don't you want us to get some tonight, yeah?" he said, smiling. He was _evil._

I simply gave him an irritated look and stomped on my cigarette and went for the entrance.

"Pansy!" exclaimed Daphne, surprised.

Draco laughed. "let her go," I heard him say heartlessly in my opinion, as I walked inside just before the door closed behind me. _Fuck.___

I went to our table and sat down next to Aurelia, Tracey and Millicent who wondered how I was. I explained the situation and they comforted me and hugged me a bit.

"Fuck him," said Tracey honestly. I could always count on her to be upfront and frank. "He's behaving like a proper dickhead and you're worth better. Honestly, I reckon you should just kiss somebody else in front of him."

"Yeah, that'll shut him up!"

"And perhaps he'll realise that he really likes you then, and stop playing about."

Theodore threw himself down next to me, squeezed himself in and said: "Pansy, love. What is this I'm hearing?"

I sipped my drink and said. "Dunno what you're on about."

He gave me a stern look and said: "Don't play with him like that, snogging some other bloke. That'll just piss him off more and he'll just reckon you're a slut – sorry, but that's how he'll react. He's my best mate and I know him to bits."

"What does it matter to you anyway?" I snapped quietly.

"Sorry?"

I turned to look at him and said: "Yeah, why does it matter to you? I haven't mattered to you in, what, a year?"

He looked sad. "I'm... honestly... Pans... you know that whole break-up thing put me in a weird position, being both of yours' good mate. And I'm..."

"Yes, and you clearly had no problem choosing which one to stay loyal to."

"I'm very sorry. It just happened that way. Because whenever I said something about you, like 'I've got to talk to her, make sure she's all right', Draco was like 'fuck that, broes before hoes yeah' and… I dunno, it's shit of me and I'm sorry. Honest."

I didnt reply.

He stroked my hair and reached out for an embrace. I hugged him back. He used to be my best friend, I had lost both my boyfriend and a best friend.

Later, a few minutes before the pub was closing, there were only a few of us left – Daphne, Aurelia, Theodore, Draco, Blaise and me. Draco had finally landed in the sofa next to me.

I was rather drunk and shouldn't have wanted him but I did _properly_. So I might have behaved in a way I definitely wouldn't have sober. I feel quite ashamed of it, trying to get his attention, trying to get him to talk to me. I shouldn't have.

I somehow made the beginning of Theodore's name sound like "_Draa_..." calling out "Draa…odore" wanting Draco to react and think I was calling his name. Both of them turned to me immediately.

"Could you pass my lager?" I asked Theodore and Draco looked away.

I finished it and Daphne, who was _drunk of her head_ honestly swaying while sitting down, said: "Aww, you two…" while pointing a swaey finger at me and Draco next to each other in the sofa. "You look… _adorable_… together…"

I gave her a stern look and said "stop it" as the others started _oooh-ing_ and Draco smirked and placed his arm harshly around me, pressing me towards him in an awkward position and ruffled my hair mockingly.

Chelsea continued, more demandingly: "You should pull her now, Malfoy. Everyone knows you both want to." And with that, she fell face-down onto the table. The others cried out and helped her up while I just sank back into the sofa and thanked Merlin that the attention was turned to her instead of what she had said. I was silently thankful for it – and there was a chaos I wasn't a part of. I was hot in the face and my heart was pounding, I couldn't help but to think of leaning into him. He was sitting right next to me, warm and nice-smelling and inviting – I wanted him to hold me and kiss my ear and stroke my hair, and most of all I wanted to have sex with him.

The pub-owner, Lady Rosmerta, turned off the low music and started picking up our empty pints and casting us looks that meant that we should leave.

So we did. Well out on the street I lit a cigarette, while the others helped Daphne walk. There he was again, like an annoying fly that I wanted to smash as well as have sex and get cosy with. Even in my current state I realised it was a weird metaphor, but I was a drunk.

He placed an arm around my waist as if to help me, thinking I was too drunk. "Are you all right?"

"Leave it, Malfoy, I'm not even that drunk. Dont try to play the hero. You're a wanker." I pushed his arm away. That last might've slipped out a bit, but whatever – no fault in him hearing the truth.

_He left, and I wished he would've stayed, kept his arm around me no matter what and convinced me of how much he loved and missed me. But nothing ever happens the way you want them too._

He walked next to Blaise instead, and Aurelia came up to me.

"Lads, continue this in our dorm?" Blaise said to the group.

"Defnitely, mate" and "Yeah man" came the boys' eager responses.

"You in, girls?" Theodore, supporting a half-unconscious Daphne, asked Aurelia and me as we were the only girls able to speak. Aurelia cast me a questioning glance.

"Yeah all right," I said.

"I think the lads has got a plan," whispered Aurelia to me as we were the last to enter the boys' dormitory. The familiar smell and sense of being in Draco's room made me feel like crying. It had been so long.

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you see them grinning at each other when you said 'I'm in'?I think they're setting up for you and Draco to get off."

"Yeah?" came my unfocused reply. I was looking straight ahead at him opening a beer with his teeth on Theodore's bed. The lads cheered him on. They all clearly admired him.

Aurelia must've seen what was on my mind because she said a slow "oh."

When me and Aurelia entered the room, everyone had sat down onto the beds, it was full everywhere. Daphne was occupying one of her own – Blaises, while Blaise and Draco were on Draco's, Theodore was on his and Crabbe and Goyle were on Goyle's – Crabbe's was the only one left, but it was all the way over in the corner, away from the group.

"Oi, where should we sit?" said Aurelia offended. I was only satisfied, but didn't show it.

"You can come sit here if you want," smirked Theodore to her. I turned to Draco and went to sit in his lap, just like that. Everybody pretended not to notice, they didn't want to spoil our getting off. I saw Draco looking up at me, but I didn't look at him. He put his arms slightly around me, stroking my lower back.

As the conversation went on, I kept my side to Draco all the time , never looking him in the face, and we all hung out and had a great time, and Draco just sat there sipping his lager and didn't say anything.

The lot was getting rather tired, it was about 3 o clock by now and Draco had barely spoken since we had sat down. I didn't know what it was. But it didn't seem like he minded that I was sitting on his lap, so I stayed there.

"Loo, Ari?" I asked. And we went to the lavatory. I smiled as I imagined them starting to talk about us immediately after we'd left. Well inside the loo, Aurelia seemed like she had been dying to talk to me.

"_PANSY_! You're going to get off with him?"

I smiled cheerfully, sitting down peeing. "I dunno, yeah, perhaps".

She gaped cheerfully: "Aww…"

"Just don't let him get you that easily, yeah" she murmured as we went back to the boys. Coming back, I noticed Dracp raising his arms slightly so that his can of lager wouldn't be in the way, indicating for me to sit down again, but I didnt. I squeezed in in the bed next to Theodore, perhaps to tease Draco. And then I went out for a smoke on their balcony with Theodore. It's very unfair, because us girls don't have one.

"What's going on with you two?" he smiled, clearly glad about this.

"I dunno..." I shrugged, inhaling and blowing out the smoke.

"You know he's trying to pull you," Theodore claimed.

I rasied my eyebrows at him. "He hasn't said one word to me since we got here."

There was a slight silence, in which my heart started beating quick.

"He's a fuckwit..." I continued, more firm now. "He's not shy or anything like that, he always gets what he wants, so if he's not trying to get with me, then that's simply because he doesn't want to."

Theodore gave a small smile. "I honestly think he's afraid."

I didn't understand what Theodore meant by that, and I was interrupted before I got a chance to ask him about it. Draco and Blaise came outside for a smoke. I threw my cigarette and went inside.

"Whats up with you avoiding me?" Draco asked me a few moments later when we were both inside again, on the bed.

I raised my eyebrows, looking up at him. It felt like foreign territory looking at him straight in the face so close, I hadn't done that for a very long time.

"You started it." I dont know whether I meant he started it by dumping me and not talking to me for almost year, or by not talking for an hour just now when I was sitting in his lap. I reckon both. I think he got that as well.

"Well sorry..." he smiled teasingly. I couldn't helpt the smile that crept up on my own features. I turned my face away so that he wouldn't see, but in vain.

"Hah, I've still got that affect on you, havent I..." he said it quietly and with a sort of gentle voice but I made out the smugness in his voice. _Fucker_.

"You're a wanker, Draco."

He placed his arm around my neck and pulled me towards him so I lay uncomfortably on his collarbone and shoulder. I didn't fight it this time. He noticed that.

"Oh , now you want to get cosy?"

"What are you talking about, you pulled me towards you," I said with a small smile.

"But you stayed," he teased back. I didn't answer.

He stroked my arm and kissed the top of my head. That sent tingles all through my body and felt like I would pass out.

"Don't do that" I murmured just because, even though I didn't want him not to.

"Do what?"

"I'm not your girlfriend anymore..." Oh , it stung even to say it.

He laughed. "Oh, so, what, you can only kiss somebody on the head if they're your girlfriend?"

"You know what I mean..."

"Shut it," he retorted, laughing. "Its not like I'm asking you to marry me or anything." _Mm_. That one stung even more.

"No, because all this is for you is we're both drunk and haven't pulled in a while, yeah?"

"Fuck off..." he laughed, looking away.

"Whatever," I murmured and snuggled up closer to him. I don't know why I did it. I made myself get used but I didn't care at the time. I just wanted to be close to him.

We sat like that for a while, or well I half laid down in an uncomfortable position, making my back ache extremely. So finally I had to switch position. So I sat up straight, distancing myself from him. _I still hadn't made up my mind what to do, but I think somewhere in the back of my head, I had._

At four o clock, Crabbe and Goyle were snoring, Blaise had fallen asleep next to Daphne, and it was only Draco, Theodore, Aurelia and I still up. We were sitting on the floor by now, finishing our last lagers. We were all getting really drunk by now, tired and almost hangover.

Aurelia and I went to the lavatory, and when we reemerged, Draco was heading in. As we met on the way, he put an arm on my back and mumbled: "stay here tonight, yeah?"

"Perhaps," I smiled teasingly, and we walked back to Theodore while he continued into the bathroom.

Of course I stayed. Aurelia fell asleep on the floor and Theodore jumped into bed straight after. Draco and I sat on the floor and kept talking quietly, surpressing our laughs, and he was touching my leg, and all of a sudden he was close, and kissed my neck. Suddenly, we started kissing like we hadn't for almost a year. I wanted it so much. The mood between us was very hot, that was all I remember feeling. He even started sweating, and we got our clothes off quickly and he pulled me closer to his bed and I pushed him down, and we had sex and it felt so good both physically and mentally. Finally.


	5. Fairytale

I couldn't remember much of it – drunk sex is usually brilliant (or so you think), but I don't think we fell asleep before 5.30 anyway…

And we awoke aprubtly by Crabbe throwing most of his school books around with his wand and shouting about something being missing. He began arguing with Goyle and Nott, and Draco got up to see what it was all about.

I hid under the covers, suddenly feeling very exposed, even though the dark green covers was pulled out hiding me in his bed. What a bloody headache on top of that – I felt like I could throw up over Crabbe. I heard the boys leaving the dormitory for breakfast. Draco turned to me. He looked awkward, something he never usually did.

"Fuck, my head..." he muttered, grinning slightly at me.

"Yeah, me too," I replied.

"Fuck, it's only eight… we've probably slept like two hours..."

He moved back towards the bed and sat down at the end, I had to pull up my feet for him not to sit on them. Oh, so he didn't want to lay down beside me. I tried to breath evenly and control myself, but I felt a strong need creeping up of wanting to know what us having sex had meant. I sat up and yawned. Draco picked up my knickers and threw them in my face.

"There you go," he slightly grinned, satisfied.

"Oh thanks!" I said ironically and threw his boxers back at his face, but he quickly defended himself and avoided them. "Fuck you!" he exclaimed and attacked me, tickling me.

"Stop that," I whined, giggling and pushed him away. He sniggered awkwardly. As if he felt he had overstepped his boundaries... as if he reminded himself that it wasn't like before.

"We should probably get dressed before the lads come back, yeah," he murmured.  
There was an awkwardness in the air, we didn't talk freely at all now in the clearness of the daylight. I had a big lump in my throat, didn't know why.

Sneaking back into my dormitory at 8 in the morning, my eyes teared up as soon as I had my back to his dormitory. It was a broken fairytale and I had been so fucking stupid. All I had was the feeling of having him wake up one last time on me, and still feeling his drool against my cheek. That was the best I had.

I went in and got dressed and then proceeded to breakfast and classes, and didn't say a word all day. I feared that if I would open my mouth I would start to cry and never stop. My friends seemed to understand that something was wrong, they probably even realised it was about Draco, and when Daphne asked what was wrong and what had happened and I didn't answer, she just pulled me close and held me hard.

After dinner when it had started growing dark, my friends were studying in the common room and I just sat beside them, silent, staring into nothingness. I went to bed at 9.30. I was empty and I just didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to exist without him.

The next day I kept my stoic mode all until evening after dinner when Tracey grabbed my arm in the dungeons on the way back to the common room with the girls.

"Pans," she began. The others kept walking, not noticing. I turned to her. "Please talk to me. You know I'm here for you."

I just stared at her. I couldn't form a word.

"Where're you lot going?" Daphne shouted from over at the entrance to the common room. She, Aurelia and Millicent were looking at us.

"We're going for a walk, see you later," Tracey said after a short pause, and turned and started walking back towards the stairs up to the Entrance Hall. I had no choice but to follow.

"Whatever," Daphne snorted and I heard the portrait closing behind them.

Tracey and I walked around for a long time, up the giant marble staircase, through the forth floor corridor, until we finally reached the Astronomy tower. Then we decided to stop. I walked outside and stood in the cold looking out on Hogwarts grounds, the Forbidden Forest, and the Black Lake. She came up behind me and placed her hand on my back.

"I'm sorry I fell asleep."

Shocked, I turned to her. That was not what I expected her to say at all. "What? No, Trace—" I began. My voice was hoarse, I hadn't spoken for almost two days.

She sighed, looking at me, concerned and looking regretful. "I suppose something happened with you and Draco, which is what you're so distraught about? And I just reckoned if I hadn't fallen asleep you and I would've slept in our own dorm and none of it would've happened! Well, what did happen? I'm sorry, Pans," she was talking quickly and I was shaking my head protesting all through it.

"You can't possibly blame my stupid actions on you, Trace," I said hastily. I turned and looked out over the view again. I was shaking, cold, but I felt numb. "How can I be so stupid?" I groaned, exasperated.

She stroked my arm. "It's not you, love," she said. "It's him. He's vile."

I put my face in my hands. How did I let this happen?

"Just stay clear of him in the future?" she said, well more _asked_, in an uncertain tone.

I didn't even fool myself when I said, "yeah."

The next morning in Charms, a note landed on my desk. "Pansy" it said. "Draco kissed a fifth year last night in the common room /Daph" and I looked up and saw her looking at me, looking sorry. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I was so fucking stupid.

After that we all went down to the Great Hall for lunch. I had to explain to the girls what had happened and I just said "we had sex" and nothing more and they started discussing it in low voices not wanting anyone to overhear, and Daphne told me about last night when he had kissed that girl, but I didnt answer anything and finally they gave up and just gave other looks.

Then all of a sudden Daphne and Aurelia opposed me looked up behind my back and I heard a voice.

"Pansy, can I have a word?"

I turned around. I'd have recognised that voice anywhere, and confirming my suspicions, there he stood.

"Why?" I muttered to Draco. My heart was beating hastily.

"Just talk," he shrugged. Of _course _I wanted to see him and talk to him and for everything to be fine. But I didn't know if I could. What if I started crying? And something made me feel like what he wanted to talk about wasn't positive. He looked dark.

I felt nervous, started shaking and I hoped he didn't see. I hastily got up. "Yeah, all right."

He turned and I followed, but not before sending a helpless glance at my friends who looked awkward and sorry, but could do nothing. Walking after him down the aisle between the Slytherin table and the Ravenclaw one, I became even more nervous. Anxiety spread, wondering what he would say – did I even want to know? I wanted to throw up again


	6. Broken

_When will this end?___

_Should I just delete him from my life?___

_But a life without him is empty and pointless. I can't be happy without him___

Well, we talked. It was awkward and uncomfortable and I saw it in his eyes what he'd say when I first saw him. And there was a huge lump in my throat, I didn't want to hear it.

Basically he said that he didnt want a relationship right now, that he wasn't ready for it, that he felt he needed to be free and by himself and hang out with the lads and just "chill". _But if you love someone you can always make it work yeah? So that's all just bullshit... besides he gets off with random girls at the pub? What's wrong with me..___

I just nodded and tried to smile, and I couldn't say anything.

"I dont want to hurt you, yeah?" he said and gave me a hug.

I've never felt so betrayed.

I stumbled down to the common room immediately, seeing blurry, not knowing what I was doing or where to go. I knew I had three more lessons, but I just couldn't do anything else than stumbling onto my bed in the dormitory, shutting the curtains and lie there. I felt hollow and empty and I just stared.

For hours I lay there, alone in the silence, my thoughts almost driving me mental. Sometime after dinner the girls arrived, shouting about where I'd been and what I'd missed and asked about what Draco had said.

We had planned on going out again that night, it was Friday after all. This time we would make our way to London if we managed. Hogsmeade wasn't enough. I decided I would not wallow in self-pity any longer and put on a tight little dress and did my hair and makeup for once. I was not going to let him screw me over yet again. I'd play back, just like he played with me. I'd fuck him up so bad. I'd make him regret and pine. _Wanker wanker wanker_.

We went out, sneaking out of the castle and into the village of Hogsmeade where we would catch the Knight Bus. The only problem though, was that apparently Daphne had talked to the boys about going out together, so when we appeared on High street in Hogsmeade, there they stood – Draco, Blaise, Theo, Crabbe, Goyle and Montague. They all greeted each other, I didn't really care – I just wanted to go out and get drunk and kiss someone and forget about everything for a little while. I didn't care if Draco saw it or not.

A few drinks in and I was already a bit woozy, and enjoying it. We had met up with a couple more friends and some blokes had joined us. I probably got more attention than I ever had. I reckoned it was because I'd made an effort for once to look good – I was wearing that tight little dress; I was usually much more casual and not as provocative nor dressed-up. That was probably it.

"You've got no idea how many blokes've asked me bout you," Daphne leaned in and said, encouraging. "Get over him already, you've missed out on so much being with him, you've got no idea how many guys would die for you - I'm not joking! Countless of blokes have talked to me about it and about what I would think they should do to try and get off with you and get to know you better... but you're just been off with that _loser..._"

I swallowed hard. She could talk about it so lightly, I wished I could as well.

She continued boldly: "Have another drink and just pick and choose, love. You deserve a good shag."

Que entering our dear lads. Blaise, Theo, Draco, Crabbe and Goyle. I took a deep breath as I tore my eyes away from them as quickly as I managed and tried to focus on something else.  
Daphne squealed. "Fucking hell...big surprise, our dearest friends are here."

On my other side, I had Tracey saying: "Just be careful what you do - think over everything."

It was like an angel and a devil balancing on my shoulders. And tonight I was bad, I felt it in me like I never had before.

I'd decided. _I did care if he saw it. I wanted it to hurt. Hurt like the thousand times he'd heard me.___

These people had dragged out everything kind, nice and good in me and all was left was a bitter, heartbroken, revengeful bitch.

A while later I was step-by-step letting a local young wizard named Simon get closer to me. I felt horrible sitting there smiling and laughing at his jokes and letting him believe I was interested. But that didn't stop me.


	7. Games

7

So I snogged that boy, right by our table at the pub. I never once looked at Draco so he couldn't possibly know I only did it for him, but I saw his stares in the corner of my eyes and I got the reports from my friends.

Then I left the pub. I didn't want to be out anymore, but insisted that Daphne and the rest would stay. I took the Knight Bus home from the dark London back-alley – it took me to Hogsmeade, from where I sneaked back into the castle. However, for some reason, I did not make my way down to the dungeons, but up to the Astronomy tower where Tracey and I had had our chat the previous night. I sat down on the stone opening in the wall. It was dark and chilly, the hairs on my arms were upright. I shuddered. I couldn't see far in the dark over the grounds surrounding the school, except the dark Forbidden Forest. I sat there thinking about things before I went to bed down in the dungeons a while later. I was shaking.

"He looked mental," laughed Daphne loudly. "As if he could strangle something."

It was the morning after and us girls were all in the dormitory talking about last night.

"I think you've really affected him," said Tracey and continued: "perhaps he'll realise that and stop playing about. Just... be careful yeah.."

"Careful to do what?" I asked her.

"To... well, I dunno, hurt him."

I looked up at her. "You mean like the way he's hurt me, dozens of times?"

Molly looked like the point was taken. She half-shrugged and gave me a sort of sad look.

"Anywayyy," Daphne emphasised. "The most important thing! Happened quite a few things after you'd left last night, didn't it, girls?"

I looked up, my heart starting beating faster.

"Well, Theo left with that Brocklehurst, you know from Ravenclaw.. proper slut, ugly as well, dunno just what he was thinking, but anyway..."

She continued babbling but it didn't interest me. I thought she would say something about Draco smashing up the guy I'd kissed. But I suppose not.

That Thursday we all left Hogwarts for Christmas holidays. On Friday, the boys had told us they were having a beer and jacuzzi night – they'd invited us the night before we left school. Us girls were already doing our hair and makeup when Daphne told me it was at Draco's summer house in Torquay in Devon by the sea, apparently his mother detests the cold in midland England and refused to spend another winter in their cold Manor).

"Didn't I tell you that?" Daphne raised one eyebrow at me from crawled up on her bed, sipping a glass of elf-made wine out of one of her parents' expensive glasses. I sent her an irritated look through the mirror in front of me.

"No," I emphasised. "You didn't, Daph."

She knew bloody well she hadn't. She'd wanted to go for some reason – getting off with one particular bloke most probably – and whatever issues were going on between Draco and I wasn't going to stop her.

"But Draco sad it was all right you came," she went on quickly. Tracey, Aurelia and Millicent were looking back and forward from Daphne to me.

"Oh, how nice of him, really," I rolled my eyes. Daphne could be so incredibly self-centered, but goal-orientated, typically Slytherin of her.

Half an hour later we were flooing from the grand fireplace in Daphne's large sitting room on the ground floor of the manor. We arrived in the small wizarding pub (one of few in England except the Three Broomsticks and Leaky Cauldron) down by the pier in the harbour village of Torquay. We exited, and the large pier and beach made a beautiful sight in the dark. Further ahead, the hills of Torquay towered up in the distance.

"Can't imagine the Malfoys owning a holiday house in a common Muggle village," Daphne muttered as we walked towards the town towards Draco's house.

"It's really lovely, though," Millicent piped up.

"Yeah," Tracey agreed, "and it's supposed to be one of the most beautiful towns of the entire coast. It's the English riviera, after all."

I was the only one who'd been there before. I'd spent parts of two summers there in fact. I was slightly shaking as we walked up the hill towards Draco's house, as flashes of memories of this appeared in my mind. I swallowed hard.

Big green lawns surrounded the great white and modern house. It was beautiful, but nothing compared to their Wiltshire Manor sizewise. We walked up and Theodore openedthe door and le tus in. We all took of our cloaks and I felt a lump in my throat and a stab in my heart at the smell, sight, and feeling of being in that house. I felt nervous being there, but at the same time excited, it being sort of forbidden. Thinking about everything I've done there... I'd practically lived there. Dinner with his family, night-fags out on his balcony, in his bed for hours... everything. I swallowed.

I didn't take my heels off since we were going out to the back where his jacuzzi was, with it's brilliant view down on torquay and all the lights of the houses and the harbour. It was utterly beautiful.

We walked out there, and Theodore called out: "girls are here, party can start!" as we did so, which made the boys woo. Besides Theo, there was Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Blaise, Montague, Miles Bletchley, Flint, Harper, Higgs, Warrington, Urquhart and Pucey.

Daphne started laughing loudly and entertaining everybody by some comment as we walked out, naturally. I noticed Draco looking at me from the corner of my eyes, I had kept my heels on since we were outside and I knew he loved me in heels, he reckoned it was the sexiest thing ever, and I didn't wear it very often... I didn't look back at him. I ignored him. That was what he wanted...

"Oh this is well lovely!" "Yeah beautiful!" came a few sqeuals from the girls at the sight of his deck with its amazing view.

"Ladies, refreshments at the table, up for grabs," Theo said and nodded toward the big dinner table Draco's family had out on the deck by the barbecue. The boys had stacked it up with beer and crisps basically. Cute.

We had wine with us so were only interested in the crisps. Everyone grabbed some and got glasses to pour wine.

The boys were all in the jacuzzi still, passing a ball harshly and laughing about.

Aurelia and I stayed by the table and had crisps while starting on our first glass of wine, while the other girls started getting undressed and getting into their bikinis. There was a chaos for a moment while the girls , who hadn't put on theri bikini underneath their clothes like I had, had to run back in for towels to cover themselves with etc. It amused the lads.

Ari and I sat there talking for a while, and the other girls finally joined the lads in the jacuzzi. Pucey and Warrington were up and joined us by the table and we hung out a bit, just talking.

"Why aren't you lot in the jacuzzi then?" Pucey asked. "It's well nice."

I smiled. "Just not ready yet."

"Is it cos of Draco?" asked Warrington.

"What about him?" I said.

About 30 minutes later, some of the girls had got up from the jacuzzi and, with their towels around them, went to pour some more drinks. By then, Aurelia and I were in on our third glass of wine and still sitting by the table with Adrian and Cassius.

"Let's go in the jacuzzi, yeah?" said Adrian then, and finished his beer.

"Yeah, let's!" Aurelia said.

"Yeah, all right," I said.

We went to the jacuzzi, where now Theo, Draco, Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle were. Montague, Miles Bletchley, Flint, Harper, Higgs and Urquhart had all got up. Daphne had always detested Crabbe and Goyle, she reckoned they were both well ugly and fat.

"Wohoo, what's up lads?" Cassius greeted the lads again. "Is there any room for a few more in there?" he said cheerfully.

The lads encouraged us to get in and moved aside. Draco had been on his way up, but said something to the lads probably an excuse for sitting down again, and did just that. It made me smirk slightly, but I hid it. Meanwhile I pulled my short dress over my head and put it on a nearby chair, leaving me in bikini and high heels. Aurelia got undressed as well.

"Woo, Nessa, yeah" laughed Blaise, "do a little spin for us won't you?"

I turned to them and laughed, "fuck off!"

I hastily noticed Dracp sipping his beer, distancing himself from what the other lads' attention was placed on.

I got in the jacuzzi with Aurelia and was sitting next to Miles with Aurelia on my other side.

"Oh it feels soo good," I laughed and moved my hands around in the water. The warmth that hit me was absolutely brilliant.

"Does, doesn't it?" and "yeah!" grinned the others.

"So what's up boys?" said Aurelia, steering up a conversation.

We all started talking and got into a conversation. Draco didn't say much. I love how I came along and took over, like talked to the boys and he got passive. Served him right. _I hoped he was thinking about me and missing me and feeling sick from what I did last night._

"Where's my glass of wine gone?" I said and looked around, Adrian reached out and grabbed it on the chair where I'd put my clothes and gave it to me, "there you go love," he laughed.

"This needs a refill" I said and moved and added: "I'll be right back!" as I got out of the jacuzzi. I went up to the table where I'd put my wine and poured some more, and called: "Aurelia do you want a refill as well?" over to the jacuzzi. There were just small tricks that I did that made everyone's attention turn to me, to the benefit of Draco. If he were to play that game, so could I.

"Yeah, thanks!"

I brought the wine along to the jacuzzi and poured into her glass as well, then got into the jacuzzi with my glass and got back to my place between Aurelia and Miles. It got quiet as I came back.

"What's up?" I said, grinning. "Why's everyone so quiet?"

"Alright, then..." Miles started. Everyone looked sort of sneaky, except for Draco who was only sipping his beer looking bored. "Last night, Pansy."

I laughed, "yeah, what?"

"Who was _that_?"

I laughed. "I dunno, he was nice." Inside I was extremely satisfied. Draco had no choice but to hear.

"Dirty girl," grinned Miles, and the others laughed.

"Well what about Theo?" I said teasingly and turned to Theo. "I heard something about Brocklehurst, yeah?"

Everybody laughed.

"Yeah, she was good. Nothing wrong with that," Theo said and sipped his drink.

The conversation went on.

"Do you want a sip?" Miles asked and held up his beer.

"Yeah , thanks, you want wine?" I replied.

"No, you're all right," he laughed. "Fag. Thats a bit too girly, isn't it."

I laughed, "I'm a girl though, Miles!"

"Yeah that's what I meant, keep that to yourself, mate."

I laughed and gripped his beer and a had a sip.

He leaned in and whispered, "Whats up with you and Draco?"

"Er.. nothing, I suppose."

"Don't shit about. Don't be stupid," Miles raised his eyebrows at me and slightly smiled.

I shook my head slightly. "Well, we got off a couple of days ago as I'm sure you know," I said lightly. "then he goes and says he's got to have his 'space' right now and 'chill'," I slightly mocked.

Miles nodded. "And now he's not saying a word to me. So yeah... that's what's up." I finished.

"You're silly," Miles grinned.

"Pardon?" I said.

"Probably irritated with Blaise commenting you when you got undressed and the other lads looking at you, as well as frustrated for looking at you and thinking you look good," Miles claimed. "Perspective from a bloke, who's also best mates with this guy."

I rolled my eyes and sipped my wine. "Whatever."

A while later, I was up by the table, grabbing some crisps and getting a drink. I was getting a bit drunk and was feeling all right for once. Everyone gathered inside round the sofas to hang out, I sat down in Daphne's lap with a blanket wrapped around me, eating crisps from my hand.

Everyone decided that we should do a game, like I've never, or truth or dare.

"All right, let's vote then!" shouted Theo since nobody could decide.

First we voted I've never, and then the ones who wanted truth or dare put up their hand.

"You didn't even put up your hand!" Theo pointed accusingly at me and laughed.

"Well , I don't want to do either," i shrugged with a small smile.

"Oh come off it. Well truth or dare won," he announced. So..."

"Should we get like, a bottle to spin or somethin?" said Tracey.

A moment later when everything was set, Theo spun the bottle and it stopped on himself.

"Well that's just not fair. Cant ask myself can i?"

A while later, I went outside for a smoke, not really enjoying the game, Miles came after me and lit one of his own.

"Feeling awkward?" he asked.

"Actually, I don't. I'm just a bit bored. And I don't want the bottle to stop at like me or Draco, and somebody saying like 'oo kiss Draco' or whatever and for everyone to like giggle and think that's really funny you know cos they've been together, ooo" I said with a mocking voice.

Miles laughed. "Well, why not? That's sort of fun."

I smiled and took a drag of my cigarette.

Draco and Theo came outside, laughing about something. The boys noticed me and Blaise, and lit their own cigarettes. I considered tossing my cigarette but I'd barely smoked half of it, so I stayed. How bad could it be?

"What are you lot laughing about, yeah?" said Miles to the pair.

"Daphne just sucked Cassius' face off," Theo informed us.

"Proper wet," Draco threw in, laughing.

"Dunno how you're friends wih her," Theo said to me. "She's a horrible person."

I smiled. "You lot are friends with her too..."

"Proper attention whore," laughed Draco, ignoring me.

I finished my cigarette and went for the door, but Theo hastily said, "oi, hang on." I turned around. "How about we go in the jacuzzi?"

I hesitated. Draco and Miles made agreeing sounds. I gave in. The boys got to the jacuzzi , threw their clothes off and jumped in, laughing and groaning of the warmth. I followed, carefully taking off my clothes and putting them on the chair. Swaying, I got in the jacuzzi and moaned: "fucking hell..." and grinned. "Feels so good." Everybody agreed. I sat down and emptied my glass of wine.

"So," said Theo. "Who will get off tonight, you reckon?" he looked from me to Draco, making me feel hot in the face.

Draco laughed boldly and swigged his beer.

"I reckoned Blaise and Daphne," said Miles, "He looked proper jealous when she sucked Cassius' face off."

Draco laughed again, sitting leaned back in the jacuzzi like a total dick.

"Yeah, there's something with old couples..." Theo said, winking at me.

It felt so set-up suddenly. I frowned. and couldn't help that I tiredly said: "What are you doing?"

Draco looked up.

Miles and Theo laughed, and I knew them so well I noticed that it looked like they were hiding something.

"What do you mean?" said Miles, while Theo said: "Nothing?"

"Yeah? Cos it seems like you're trying to do something," I said, not smiling anymore.

"Like what?"

"You know what," I said.

Theo cleared his throat.

Then Miles started laughing awkwardly.

"I just think.. you know, my best friends together, what could go wrong?" said Miles then, kind of awkward-looking.

I looked at Draco. His face was unreadable, he just observed the scene.

"Yeah?" I said defiantly. "Well, just ask what your _best mate _thinks about that, yeah." And with that, I got up from the jacuzzi.

"Pansy," began Theo. "Don't -" said Miles.

But I already had my back to them, on my way towards the entrance, wrapped in a towel. Wankers.

I went to the loo and explained to Tracey who snorted and said. "Well before they try to wingman their best mate, why don't they pick a girl that he actually wants to get together with… or better yet, make him want to get together with _anyone_. He just wants to get off honestly. And he can do that with any other girl, so why insist on doing it with you, which he knows hurts you? He's a dick."

We went out of the loo and the boys just got in from outside and the jacuzzi, and I tried to avoid them but Miles hurried up to me as I poured another drink.

"Mate, that wasn't what we meant... you know , he had nothing to do with it."

"I don't want to hear, I don't care" I said hastily and held up my hands and tried to walk off, but he followed.

"No honestly, I'm sorry, all right, it was well dumb, it's just you know I love you both and I want..." he trailed off.

"Yeah exactly," I said. "_You _want."

I walked off and left him standing there.

Tracey and I joined the group at the sofas and sat down. I was slightly shaking.

The game of truth or dare was still going on – I sat watching for a while.

Then bottle stopped at Blaise. "Truth or dare mate?" Flint asked him. I sipped my drink, glad the bottle never stopped on me. "Dare," Blaise said.  
"Give Pansy a dare," sniggered Flint. I looked up. _Fucktards_. Suppose everybody was in on it. What was this?

"Hmm," said Blaise. "Yeah, all right. Go up to Draco and kiss him."

I gave them a sarcastic look. And then, to everyones surpise, I got up angrily and walked over to the drinks table where Draco, Miles and Theo were standing talking. I grabbed Draco by his neck and turned him to me and kissed him, with the whole room of our friends watching.

For a long time, I grabbed him and continued kissing him to his surprise and to everyone's surprise.  
And then I stopped, poured in me the rest of my drink, gave Miles and Theo a look and raised my hands as in defeat, as in to say "you happy?" angrily. Then I turned on my heel and went out for a smoke.

Theo stepped outside. "I'm sorry, all right. Why did you kiss him for anyway?"

I didn't answer. I was shaking.

"You got dared I suppose? I'm sorry... it's just... you know we all want it."

I turned to him, and let it all out. "Since when did everything between me and Draco become your business? Since when did our non-existant relationship become between you lot? It's just so immature and childish and— argh! That you even do this. Just fucking leave it alone!"

"Okay, yeah, I get it," he said bitterly. "I'm sorry, Pansy."

Draco and Blaise came outside. _Fuck_. I looked away and took a drag of my cigarette.

Blaise gave an awkward laugh. "Okay, sorry, mate," he said to me. Luckily Draco understood why I kissed him, Blaise must've explained.

"It's just.. I know you've got feelings for her, mate," he said to Draco. My face felt hot.

"_Merlin_!" I exclaimed. "Leave it will you? This is embarassing!"

Draco laughed boldly. "You're right, Blaise! Little Draco does!" he motioned towards his dick.

Blaise sniggered, and Theo snorted: "You're disgusting."

"Well, you know, he never really gets tired," Draco continued. He was drunk. "You know, he's been in there countless times but he's always up for more."

I gaped.

The boys grinned tiredly, knowing him too well and made him sit down in front of me.

I got up and stomped on my cigarette, I wasn't about to stay. "No, no, no, Pans, just sit down and talk to him!" said Theo and with hands on my shoulders, he led me back to my seat.

"Yeah, Pansy, stay," said Draco sarcastically and too drunk.

I felt like I could tear up.

"Now talk!" Blaise said and the two left.

It was silent for a while and he looked at me with dim eyes, he looked tired and too drunk.

I lit a cigarette and said straight out: "You're a dick."

He sniggered. "_Weeell_... you know me best."

I frowned at him.

"Yeah," he cleared. "So if you say so, then its probably true."

I sighed. "What are you doing?" I said.

"Right now, or...?" he grinned.

I gave him a look that silence him.

"Fuck do I know," he muttered. "I hate being with you," he suddenly whined.

I gaped.

"I hate it when you're around..." he finished. I got up and went for the door, feeling like I could vomit and trust me it wasn't alcohol-related. "No don't go..." he said then.

"You just told me you hate it when im there, so I'd think I'm making you a big favour right now," I said irritatedly, my hand on the door. I felt a lump in my throat threatning to explode into tears in my eyes.

"No," he whined. "That's not what I mean.. you know what I mean..."

I looked at him and then he fell head forward straight into the surface of the table with his face. I sighed and went inside. Blaise and Theo and them were waiting just inside looking hopeful and I said bitterly: "He fell asleep."


	8. Transparent

8

_You were standing with your girlfriends in the street  
Falling back on forever, I wonder what you came to be…  
I was new in town, the boy with the eager eyes  
I never was a quitter, oblivious to schoolgirls' lies_

When I look back on those neon nights  
The leather seats, the passage rite  
I feel the heat, I see the light

After that I went home. My night felt ruined and I didn't have any more fun. Draco was a dick and so were my previous best guy-friends. It was no fun anymore. Everyone tried to set us up, make us get together, because they thought we were a great fit, well guess what , _he didn't_ _want me_, so that made it all just completely embarassing. It just made it more obvious for everyone around us that he didn't want me, when they did that. My ears were burning hot.

On Saturday, the girls went to a party out in the Forbidden Forest set up by the Ravenclaws. It was fun! And the best part was that Draco and the other lads weren't there – not invited, in fact – this was a whole other group of people, even though we all know each other at Hogwarts, it is actually big enough so that you can choose your group of friends, and not everyone is great friends with everyone. So you can actually kind of escape if you want too. Lucky the school wasn't smaller. On Sunday we all just did homework in the dormitory. I'm lucky I've got the girls.

Then on Monday we all went down to the Great Hall for breakfast – eggs, sausages, grapefruit, tea – it was very lovely, and very English. Just the way I like it. And then we all left for Christmas holidays. It was December 21st. It was lovely coming home to see my mum and dad for a few days. We live in a big house in Ipswich in Suffolk. Not as large as Draco's manor, but nearly. Catching up with mum and dad was cosy, we had tea in front of the fireplace in the sitting room all evenining, and then in the morning it was time to pack. Us girls had planned a night in London entire term. After lunch when I was all set, I kissed mum goodbye and hopped into the fireplace and Floo'd into the Leaky Cauldron pub in London. I wrinkled my nose, it stank and was full of the locals. But soon my face expression turned into a happy one as I spotted Daphne, Tracey, Aurelia and Millient by one of the tables. We happily embraced, sqealing. The barkeep sent us irritated looks. We walked up the stairs into our booked room, and began doing our makeup and getting ready for the night, while chatting on merrily.

All in all, the evening was lovely – starting off at the fanciest restaurant in Diagon Alley, The Wicked Wand, and cheered for ourselves with champagne, and then off to a pub, and then to a huge club – and ending it all off with a nighttime meal at a Muggle grill, then straight back to the Cauldron where we fell asleep immediately. It was the most fun and it had me thinking of something other than Draco.

The next morning wasn't as fun, however, there was something temporarly wrong with the entire FlooPowder Network in all of Britain, so after talking to the soothing barkeep at the Inn, who were ordering all the other guests (many in panic), to order a Muggle taxi, that was what we did. We all stepped inside the vehicle with confused and slightly frightened looks on our faces – we'd never even gone near one of those _things_ before… The other girls managed to sleep in the taxi, and I tried as well – with my cheeks agains the window surface but I just couldn't… I kept thinking about Draco, looking outside the window, feeling llike I could cry. I was broken from everything we'd been through, that was what it felt like. And yet a part of me, I knew, were hoping we could give it another go – a small part of me gnawing inside. I tried to ignore it like I had for the past year.

That night after dinner with my parents, I met the girls again, this time going round our local pub for a quiet night, just a Butterbeer or two. I feel sick and ashamed for feeling like that – but I couldn't deny that I was excited. I wanted to see him.

And then he walks into the pub with a short brunette witch, quite similar to me. And he was holding her hand and they sat together and she was on his lap, but not just that, not like the other slags, no – he hugged her and kissed her and…

I went outside to the street and vomited. It had been an hour and I hadn't been able to focus on anything but the two of them. They'd sat down with us, the lads and Draco and his girl, and I'd gotten it quite clear that Draco and her had something going on. He didn't even look at me the entire night. Tracey had looked at me worriedly several times, but I kept a stone face. It was over.

I felt too broken for words, too say for crying. Not even sad, just… empty. Like it was pointless. Like I'd seen it coming. I wasn't even angry with him – I couldn't bring myself to be – I didn't try to get his attention, I didn't talk to any of my friends about it, I didn't let it show. It was too late. Because I had a hole where my heart had been, because he had been digging that hole for the entire past year.

That night I didn't even cry myself to sleep. I just felt helpless. There was nothing to do. It was just the way it was. He knew how much I loved, needed him, he knew he made me choke, he knew he made my heart and entire insides ache, but he didn't care. He took what he wanted from me and then lied to me and said he wanted his space and didn't want to be with anyone but the lads right now, and a few days later when I was in London for just one evening, he finds a new girl. But I was finished trying to show my hurt to him, trying to make him care. I was only fooling myself and that was what hurt the most - I was ashamed of myself. I should've known better, I shouldn't have been stupid. It was my fault.

Five days passed and I did nothing, because I was empty. Christmas Eve and Day passed. I smiled and thanked for my expensive gifts, but I didn't feel any cheerfulness inside.

On New Years, Blaise were having a big party round his. I only went because Daphne insisted – she wanted to get off with Blaise again – and all my friends were going. I didn't care what I did, because nothing took my mind off the hole inside me, nothing made me smile, nothing made me cry either it was like I was empty. So I could just as well go.

It was a big party and I was sitting in the sofa with my girlfirends and that girl, she seemed shy and... sweet. And I couldn't hate her, which made me instead hate myself more. She had been hanging out with us previous couple of days since Boxing Day. I had been forced to witness her and Draco getting closer and getting to know each other better. And every little thing felt like a stab in the heart literally. It hurt so much. I didn't think "heartache" could hurt for real, but my stomach ached so much and I could barely breathe. It was like somebody sucked out everything inside me and filled it with vacuum, making everything insie me, my organs, my mind, everything, just shrink to a tiny spot.

And then she happened to sit down next to me. Small talk went on between everybody, but I felt uncomfortable sitting next to her, talking to her. I didn't want to know why she was better than me. I tried to focus on other things, I even went up to dance for a while, but when I came back she was still there. I reluctantly sat down there – Tracey gave me an understanding look and sat down next to me. We talked about something with Daphne, about Blaise - Daphne whined about that she didn't know whether he liked her or not.

And then, that girl, she's named Michelle by the way, started talking to me. "Hey, can I ask you something?"

I turned to her, little surprised. "Yeah, sure?"

She looked a little squirmish, as if insecure, and with a frown she said: "You know Draco well, yeah?"

I frowned, realised she probably didn't know me and Draco used to be a couple. And I nodded and looked away: "Yeah."

"Well," she said, and looked his way, he was at the other end of the room with his friends, I looked too. "I reckoned, 'cos you're all a very tight group of friends.,. so I just thought that perhaps you could help me..."

"Yeah... really?"

"Yes, I mean... do you know him well?" she repeated.

"I..." I doubted. "I suppose, yeah."

"Okay good," she gave a sort of little scared smile. I realised she really liked him – it hit me like a stone to my chest. I swallowed hard. "Could you like... tell... if he likes someone?"

I opened my mouth but didn't know what to say. I frowned, licking my lips.

"I mean... like... do you think he fancies me? because... I fancy him.. I think..."

I felt sick. I cleared my throat.

"Honestly, I've got no idea. We don't talk much any longer," I said, sort of shortly and sipped my drink.

She looked at me. "Oh," she said and looked down.

And thats when Draco looked over and saw us talking.

I went out for a cigarette with Daphne when he came outside, with Blaise and Theodore. I tried avoiding them, but in vain. Draco quickly leaned out and lit my cigarette right under my nose.

"There you go," he said. "And now," he snapped the lighter shut and put it down, and stared at me. "Why dont you tell me why you're talking shit about me to Michelle, which I can only assume is what you were doing?"

Daphne immediately got in between, exclaiming "whoa!" and stepping in between us, as Blaise and Theodore were saying "leave it mate" and things like that, and I said: "I didn't," looking at him right in the eyes.

"Yeah, you didn't?" Draco suddenly raised his voice. I didn't know what was happening.

"Mate, chill out," said Theodore.

"Pansy, I can see right through you!" he said out of nowhere. I gasped.

"Through _me_? You can see through _me_? Because I'm playing some sort of game, yeah?"

"Fucking leave it Draco, you're a dick!" shouted Daphne and actually dramatically pushed him away, hard to his chest, surprising everybody including Draco himself. He stepped back and was caught off guard for a moment. That was when I saw my escape. I started hurrying towards the entrance, but then he shouted: "Just get over it, Pansy!" and laughed at the same time, as if he was mocking me. It felt like a punch in the stomach, or a knife in the back. Adrenaline pumped throguh my veins as it rarely did. I wanted to hit him, punch him for causing me so much pain. But I would sink to his level, getting angry. I would keep calm. I turned to face him again.

"You're patethic," I said through gritted teeth.

"Oh, I'm patethic?" he laughed evilly. "I'm patethic?"

That was when i snapped. I turned and roared, fuming: "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I EVEN WANTED TO TALK TO HER? SHE - ASKED - ME! I DONT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH YOUR RANDOM SLAGS!" i was breathing heavily. Daphne laughed loudly.

Michelle had come out in time to hear what I'd shouted.

I just went home immediately. Theodore walked me. He apologised on Draco's behalf but I didn't want it from Theodore and I said so.

"I don't know what he's doing," Theo shook his head. He was still trying. I was sick of it.

"Don't even..." I trailed off, not needing to end the sentence.

"I know it's unfair to you and that it's not okay what he's doing, but... you know that he loves you." he paused.

I just shook my head. He didn't. Not anymore.

"You know that," he repeated. "I know it. Everybody knows it. You're his perfect, you know, girl-next-door. You know he's loved you since we first met you, when you were with your ex. And that you were the first and only girl he's even tried a relationship with. You know you're the only one that matters to him. He just doesn't want..." He trailed off.

I had tears in my eyes. I just wished what he'd just said had come from Draco's lips instead.

"Exactly." I finished for him, breathlessly. "He doesn't want it."

Theo's face turned into a sad frown.

"He doesn't think it's safe."

I looked at him. "What do you mean by that?"

We continued walking. "That he's scared of you, I suppose."

"Fuck it, it doesnt matter anymore," I said, stomping on my cigarette. "It's over. He doesn't want it and I don't want it either."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't," I said firmly.

"You love him."

"Yes I do," i said. "And I absolutely hate that I do. So I'm done."

Next night Theo had a small gettogether at his place, just the group. So me, Daphne, Tracey, Aurelia, Millicent and a couple of Slytherin girls from the younger year went, and at his place were Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, Marcus Flint, Montague, Pucey, Warrington, Bole, Derrick, Urquhart and Higgs. And Draco and his new girl.

I tried to hang out like nothing was wrong and just not mind Draco, but it was difficult. It was awkward between me and them. The girl, Michelle, looked at me all the time and looked sad. I supposed she'd found out about me and Draco, that we used to be a couple. And hearing me shout what I did about her hadn't exactly helped probably. I cringed at the memory, ashamed.

And later, my friends and I were out smoking, and she came outside and sat down next to where I was sitting in a blanket. Apparently my friends were done smoking and they all threw away their cigarettes and gave us looks as if to say to me "stay, talk to her", abandoning me, that made me frustrated.

"Hi, you all right?" she said to me and tried to smile.

"I'm good, you?" I said hastily and got up and mashed my cigarette in the ashtray. "Actually I'm just going inside."

"Please, stay, can I just have a word with you for a minute?"

I froze, my back to her. And then I turned and sat down again. I felt like I had to, after shouted those things about her. I lit another cigarette just to have something to do.

"I... er..." She seemed insecure. "I'm terribly sorry."

"What for?" I said, surprised. she hadn't done anything wrong really.

"I mean... for talking to you about Draco like that.. I just didn't, you know, know that you're his ex-girlfriend. And I'm sorry for you know passing that limit with you."

"It's all right. Honestly," I went to leave again but she stopped me by saying: "I can't live up to the bar you've set."

I turned around and looked at her. "What does that mean?"

She sighed and looked away. "It's not me he wants."

"Oh I think it is," I answered sort of sarcastically.

"He just ditched me."

And then I distanced myself from that whole group for the rest of Christmas holidays, which was a few days. I didn't want to see them for a while. I couldn't handle being around Draco. Why the hell had he broken up with that perfect girl? And why the hell was I the first person she'd come to talk to after they split?


	9. Prick

9

This autumn hasn't been a good one. My life nowadays makes me cringe.

This will be the end of my story, if you so will. The story of Draco and I has to end. Looking back, thinking back on when we first got together, what, two years ago now, it feels incredibly odd. I've changed so much. As has he, and the rest of our friends. Life has changed.

I can't believe how naive I was sometimes.  
I can't believe it was years ago. Sometimes it still feels like last week. When we were together for the first time, when it was good. Before all the games began.

But we've really grown up. We're not those kids anymore, skiving school and smoking 'cos it was cool. I was so insecure, I was so sad at times. I thought Draco was God and that he treated me as a goddess.

I'll say it again. How naive I was.

Well. Draco had another girl on the hook and she seemed to really like him as well. It made me feel sick. I cursed myself for never being able to let go of him. I wanted out, but at the same time not. I had, irregardless, come back yet another time. How many was it this time? We had probably broken up and gotten together at least ten times already, without exaggerating.

As I mentioned, I distanced myself from that entire crowd for a couple of days, just not wanting to have anything to do with the boys. After that Friday I went out to have a few lagers with the girls – Daphne, Tracey, Aurelia, Millicent and a couple of girls from the year below us and the year above, named Mathilda Greenford, Scarlett Bishop, Molly Williams and Felicia Lympsham. Girls' night out. It was fun, it took my mind off Draco and his accusations and his new girl. It was obvious he didn't want me; _he _made that _rather _clear. But then again, said girl had told me that he just dumped her. I was incredibly confused. I was afraid to act, because everything that came from Draco himself showed me how much he despised me, but from everyone else's point of views - he loved me.

What to believe? I wondered. But fuck it. Nothing would happen anyway. It was over. _How many times would I let him do this before I decided it was enough?_  
As I finished my lager and casually chatted on with the girls I tried to block it out from my mind.

But of course. The lads entered. There they all were, Theo, Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, Marcus, Montague, Pucey, Warrington, Bole, Derrick, Urquhart and Higgs. And Draco. I had not seen the latter for days and the mere sight of him made my heart flutter. I hated that he had that affect on me. I could not help to think how good he looked, in a proper shirt and without a slag on his arm. The girls all called to greet the boys, and they came to sit with us. As I hugged all the others, I was afraid Draco would make another scene, embarrassing me and make it clear he felt disgusted by me. I didn't think I could handle another one of them.

Draco didn't say hello to me – unsurprisingly – but sat down, ordered a lager and pulled his hat down over his eyes. He seemed like he was in a bad mood. I decided to ignore him and be pretend like I didn't care that he was there, and just be with my friends and the other lads.

I went out for a fag with Daphne, Mathilda and Felicia. Daphne immediately started talking as we came outside and I lit my cigarette.

"You know that Draco's dumped that girl, yeah? And you know what Blaise told me, yes we've been hanging out more I think he actually likes me!" she giggled, but realised she was off topic and began again. "Anyway, yeah, he told me Draco _really _wants to get with you, and that he wants to stop playing this little 'game' or whatever it is you're doing!" She was almost choking when she was finished. She became too excited sometimes.

"Well," I said rolling my eyes. "That's just well sweet, but I'm done playing that game too, and you can tell _Blaise_ that I don't intend to get off with Draco more than I intend to get off with Vincent."  
Mathilda laughed loudly.

"Well, don't be so aggressive!" Daphne said, "Why not? He wants it now finally, you should be glad!"

I frowned at her. I shook my head and stomped on my cigarette and went for the door.  
Was it that obvious? Did everyone know I still liked him? Bloody hell.

I passed Theo Blaise Montague Higgs and Draco on my way in, making sure not to make eye contact with anyone of them and just hurrying to sit back at the table. To think they used to be my best friends, I thought bitterly.

Me and Tracey ordered a couple of shots each and took them by the bar. Then we went back to sit down at the table. Daphne and the girls had now come back in.  
I sat down in the sofa, and the boys came back in from smoking, Draco sat down in the sofa where I sat, but Theo sat down in-between us.  
We just hang out for a while, the group, I just ignored Draco.

Then Theo went to order a few beers and to the loo, so Draco was suddenly next to me, leaned back and ignoring me.

We sat like that for a while, I just focused on drinking.

He sat next to me and hadn't talked to me. And then suddenly I heard his derisive voice. I was slightly surprised.

"Where's your boy?"

I turned to him and met his eyes, they were looking at me as if he didn't care. I said shortly, "one night thing... What happened to your girl?" I retorted quickly.

"Which one?" he countered.

That one stung. "The one you accused me of talking crap to."

"Right. Well I was over it."

By _it_, I supposed he meant what she had between her legs. I sighed inwardly.

"Right."

"What's that to you, then?"

I didn't answer. Then we ignored each other.

Theo came back but didn't take his place between me and Draco, which I cursed him for. I didn't want to sit next to Draco. I knew he would just keep on condescending me.

The group kept hanging out, drinking and joking.

About two hours later, around 1 am, we were all rather plastered I think, I was at least. Draco and I hadn't spoken for two hours. I'd just been up dancing with the girls, and when I sank back into the sofa again, sipping my drink and fanning myself with my hand, hot, Draco talked to me for the first time in hours.

"What do you want from me, Pansy?"

I turned to him, confused, and I only frowned at him. He rolled his eyes and sipped his lager. "Fucking hell, since I saw you that night for the first time since last year... you know a few weeks ago."

"Yeah?" I nodded. He seemed hostile but at the same time inviting.

"And I kissed some bird in front of you"

I frowned, "and you insulted me in front of everyone. And you spilled your beer all over me, _and_ _laughed_."

Draco laughed loudly. "Yeah that night"

"What about it?" I said shortly, not feeling like laughing at all.

"I dissed that girl for you"

"Oh that was a big sacrifice, thanks mate"

"I'm not your fucking mate," he said, slapping me on the head. "And I was near you all the time, I played with your hair and I gave you a massage..."

"And then when I was leaving, you came up to me to say something, and I could barely make out the words 'are you leaving, thought we'd shag'" I said pointedly. It made him laugh loudly in that way again. It frustrated me.

"Bloody hell, you're dense."

"Well, you're a dick."

I turned my back to him and we didn't speak any more. We left soon after that. I was sick of him. He was going nowhere.


	10. Boyfriendish

10

Only know you love her when you let her go. And you let her go

So Draco was being a proper dick and only wanted to have sex, or so it seemed.

But evenings went on and we ran into each other out at the pub several times, not to mention how we saw each other in classes all day long, but in Hogwarts he wasn't as talkative. And I could not help but to notice that he was flirting with me. He just wouldn't give up, I reckoned. I supposed he wanted one last shag with me, that it was some sort of mission of his. Seemed likely.

Easter holidays came along and we all left school. One night, the first night of holidays he sent me an express owl message while I was just having tea with mum. It all felt so odd. He hadn't sent me anything for a year. The only reason we'd seen each other lately was because our friends set it up. But now _he _contacted _me _willingly. He asked if I wanted to sneak outside with him for a smoke, meet up and have a walk. I just doubted that there was no other of his friends who could manage to squeeze in a five minute walk with him, so I reckoned there was something on his mind. It had to be. Before I worked up myself and got nervous, I told mum what it said and she seemed unfamiliarised with the idea of me going out on the first night home – we hadn't even had dinner together yet, but I sent Draco an answer back with the express owl. _Yes._

I was shaking when I heard the doorbell. I hurried to open, and he was standing outside in the darkness. I acknowledged him with a "hiya", and then shouted: "Mum, I'm off out!"

I stepped outside and closed the door behind me. He gave me a short hug and said: "All right?"

"Yeah, you?" I asked as I lit my cigarette. He did the same.

"Yeah," he said. We began walking down the cobbled walk leading up to my house. I felt unsure of myself and found nothing to say. We walked round the area on the country road.

He kept talking, about school and friends and just casual things. I just answered and asked "you?"

It wasn't like those two years ago, when wherever you went out, you'd run into all of the boys just out wandering. Everyone had lives now.

We walked into the town closest to my manor, and strolled around there for a while, it was practically deserted except for noises down from the pub. I was careful not to even brush-up against him. I didn't want any physical contact because that would just make me want him.  
On the way back towards my house again, I stopped to tie my shoelace. He took the opportunity to ruffle my hair.

"Stop doing that, I hate that," I laughed out blamingly.

"But I like it," he said.

"It's condescending" I said

"Exactly," he grinned. I rolled my eyes and cursed myself for never being able to keep that smile from my face. He drew it out of me. I got up and we kept walking.

"Are you cold?" he said then.

"A bit," I admitted.

"Want to warm up in my Jacuzzi?"

I didn't know what I'd gotten myself into – why couldn't I just say no? I wondered as I watched the water in the Jacuzzi heat up and begin to bubble. But I had him for myself and I didn't want it to end. We had walked back to the pub and used their fireplace to Floo to the Malfoys summer house in Torquay. His parents hadn't seen us, they probably weren't home anyway, conveniently. I was undergoing a mental dilemma - would I let something happen tonight or not? What would it mean if something did happen? Would he just not talk to me afterwards, again? Or did he really want me, and not just sexually?

"There you go." Draco came up behind me and tossed me a towel. On my head. Always so charming.

"Thanks," I replied slightly sarcastic. He stuck his hand in the water, but decided: "Not hot enough."

I was leaning against their outdoor table and he sat down in one of the chairs, lighting a cigarette. I decided to ease up a little, so I sat down and lit one too. The view is brilliant from up there, you can see the town and the beach and all the lights. It's like you're on top of the world. I watched this as I smoked.

"Long time since you were here," he commented.

"Not really..." I gave him a look and he remember the night on Christmas holidays when we'd all been round his drinking and going in the Jacuzzi. And he had said he hated it when I was around and that only his dick had feelings for me. Lovely memory.

He laughed. "Oh right, forgot about that night."

I rolled my eyes.

"I always say weird things when I'm drunk..." he commented.

"That's because you're a dick."

He laughed again. "Stop saying that! You say that all the time."

"Because it's true.." I mumbled.

"You kissed me that night," he said suddenly, slightly teasing.

I looked away, my cheeks hot and my heart beating fast. I could feel his eyes burning. "For a dare," I said pointedly.

He only laughed. "You're cute when you blush," he teased.

"Even if I am, you're not allowed to say that." I got up and went to feel the water. It was warm. Draco was still sitting by the table, and I pulled my jumper over my head. He watched me. I took of my jeans and climbed inside, saying: "Are you coming or not?"

He laughed again and unbuttoned his shirt and slacks, leaving him in boxers. I didn't look.

He came into the jacuzzi, groaning because of the heat.

"Feels so god," I mumbled, moving my arms in the water. Draco smirked.

His body hadn't been that close for a very long time, expect for last time we were in that Jacuzzi with everyone else a few weeks ago but then I hadn't seen him so close-up, and it hadn't been just us two. Although we were at opposite ends of the jacuzzi.

"D'you want a lager or something, by the way?" he asked and leaned over the top of the Jacuzzi to their big ice box next to it. I heard bottles clinking.

"Are you having one?" I asked

"Yeah," he said and before I'd answered he closed the ice box and picked up two bottles, and he opened them both with his teeth and handed me one of them.

"Thanks," I said.

"No problem." He gulped down half of his beer in a few seconds.

He put his arms up on the top of the jacuzzi, always that leaned-back self-assured way. We were sitting face to face, more than a meter in between us. I didn't dare to get too close.

"Remember," he said laughing, "When we were here, had a spliff and fucked all over the hot tub?"

My heart started beating. _At least he broke the ice_, I thought. I rolled my eyes as a reply.

He gave a questioning sort of look.

"No," I laughed out. "We're not having a spliff!"

"Whatever," he grinned, eyes closed and head leaned back. "You're so boring."

"Yeah, why did you want to hang out then..."

"I didn't, I just wanted to take a short walk. Then you were cold so I had to dragged you up here..."

"Oh that's how it is, is it?" I said, responding his quirky smile.

We were silent for a while. It was getting round 11 and mum would be wondering where I was. Yet I didn't want to leave.

"Why are you so far away?" he said then, with his cheeky smile.

My heart was beating fast because of the way he was looking at me. I didn't really have a cheeky answer so I just said: "I dunno..."

"Do you want a massage?" he said. I wasn't going to let him use his get-laid-tricks on me. I wasn't like those other girls.

"No, I'm all right," I smiled pointedly. He laughed.

"You're impossible," he said.

"Why is it so important to give me a massage?" I raised my eyebrows, teasing. That silenced him. He shook his head, grinning.

That night I used my head, and nothing happened. We stayed at two different ends of the Jacuzzi and had one beer each, and spoke a little about casual things like school and that. Then I got dried up, got dressed and hugged him goodbye, I assured him he didn't have to Floo with me and walk me home.  
It was best that way.

But the next night, he Owled me again. We met up and had a short walk again. I wondered where all of this was going. Why was he doing this? We were talking casually just as friends and I wondered why. It was dark and cold outside. We went round the Malfoy Quidditch pitch, rusty hoops high up in the air. The sky was dark, dark blue.. We didn't just pass the bludger around a bit for fun, no we started playing a one on one match immediately, tackling and dribbling each other on our brooms. Until the sky was black and filled with stars and we were sweaty despite the cold. Draco scored a goal and pulled his shirt off, running in a circle with his arms up past the small stand as if it was filled with people and he had scored in the world cup.. It made me laugh. He came and picked me up and swung me around.

Then I sat down at a bench at the side of the field, and I started kicking the ball loosely, he kicked it back to me, and we kicked it back and forth while talking. It was such a brilliant evening, and I got reminded yet again why I like him so much. He bounced the ball on his knees back and forth, looking very focused and holding up his arm for balanced, like a Muggle football player, but he dropped it. I admired him so much. I was sitting on the bench tying my shoes but instead I just watched him.  
Then we started walking away from there.

"Are you hungry?" he asked me.

"A bit," I said.

"Mum's making lots of food 'cos they're having some friends round. You can eat round my place if you want to."

"I mean, if you're having guests..."

"No it's not like that, we know them really well so it wouldn't be weird," he assured.

"Well, yeah, alright," I shrugged.

He kept on making excuses for me to come around his place, and I kept on accepting them. We went over the green to the Manor. We hung our robes in the hall and took off our shoes, and then walked out to the garden where they all were. Draco had his hands on my shoulders, it felt weird, he wasn't my boyfriend anymore, he wasn't allowed to be that sweet and touchy and as if he was proudly showing me off.

His dad, Lucius, was at the barbecue while the other adults were at the big, fancy table, Narcissa and a middle-aged couple. It was a good mood. His mum completely lit up when she saw me.

Narcissa hurried up embraced me. "How lovely to see you!"

She began asking me a bunch of questions, while Draco resumed his previous position - standing behind me with his arms around my neck, almost choking me, his body pressed up against mine. I both found it uncomfortable and extremely enjoyable. Like some sort of boyfriend.

"How are you? It's been so long! What have you been up to?"

Then I was introduced to the other couple, and shouted hello to his father who cheerfully replied from over at the grill. Me, Draco and his mum sat down at the table and the conversation kept on going. Narcissa passed him the bottle of white wine and he poured some for me and him.

His father came from the grill with a big plate of meet, sausages and grilled vegetables, looking delicious. We began eating and it was a really pleasant time. Draco was being so sweet, making sure I got everything, passing me salad and wine and everything all the time. Taking care of me.

Later, when the food was eaten, Draco poured himself and me another glass of wine and brought up his pack of cigarettes on the table, and pulled one out. "Can I?" he casually looked at his parents, while not waiting for an answer because he put it in his mouth right away. His mother gave him a stern look, but waved it off.

Draco noticed I had goosebumps and was slightly shaking from the chilliness in the air. With the cigarette in his mouth, he got out: "Oh, are you cold? Hang on," and he leaned over to pick up a blanket, and he wrapped it around my shoulders. He was so sweet. He ashed his cigarette as his mother spoke.

"It's so nice to see you two back together," his mother smiled, looking at me. Draco laughed.

"We're not," I said unsurely, feeling awkward. They all looked surprised. His mum tried to make eye contact with Draco as if to silently communicating to ask what was going on, but he ignored them all.

"Oh," his mum said and gave a laugh, and the conversation kept on going.

After dinner, the house-elves came out and brought in all the dishes and that to the kitchen. Me and Draco went inside, and all of a sudden he pinned me up against the wall in the hall. "Do you have to leave?" he asked, slightly pouting teasingly.

I couldn't tell him that yes, I had to leave. I just couldn't.

"Come on, I've got to show you something," he let me go and walked ahead of me towards the stairs down to the basement. I had no choice but to follow. We walked down the stairs into his "man cave" that I recall him calling it.

"Look at that beauty," he said, grinning, motioning towards a new big Muggle flat screen. "I just love it."

I nodded appreciatively. He went and put it on to "show me". I had no choice but to sit down in his sofa. There were old beer cans on the table and an old pizza box.

"You're such a pig, Draco."

He laughed. "Well, sorry about that. I'll throw it away in a minute I promise. Just see this."

He put on COD on his Xbox. I rolled my eyes. Lucius spoiled him way too much.

"See that definition, it's sick!" he bragged. He sat down on the sofa next to me and put his feet up on the table. He played one match, talking continuously about the definition and clearness of the screen and exclaiming because of the game.

"Whatever, I don't want to sit here watching you play COD, you idiot," I said, laughing and hitting him on the head. He dove from my hands while playing and shouting out. "Oh my God, did you see that!"

"No I didn't, I don't want to!" I protested.

He laughed. "Let me just finish." he looked very concentrated for a while. Then it was over and he put away the control and asked me: "What do you want to do then?"

"Not play COD," I teased.

"D'you want to put on some sappy romance film?" he raised his eyebrows, daring me.

"No!" I laughed. He put on the telly and zapped between the channels. We were closer in the sofa now, our arms against each other. He was leaning onto me, I felt it.

He picked up my legs and placed them up on his lap. "Comfy?" he asked.

"Yeah."

I think we watched the Inbetweeners (there was some marathon on) for about two hours. Draco was working himself and me up, by small things like playing with my hair and stroking my leg while watching. I couldn't tell if it was out of love or lust. By the end, I was hot.

"You're so pretty," he told me, playing with my hair.

"Thank you," I couldn't help but to smile.

"You make me mental," he mumbled. It sent a tingle through my body. I still didn't know in what way he meant it. I just kept on smiling.

"Don't smile like that or I'll eat you up," he laughed. He grabbed me and pulled me closer. "God, you make me mental," he repeated. He moved in to kiss me and I kissed him back, blissful and dizzy, it felt really sudden and odd. Surprising, but at the same time not because of how he'd been cosy with me all night. _Finally _I thought. The first time we kissed because we wanted to (not because I got dared and was angry and wanted to show everyone off) for a year.  
His kiss was harsh, firm like he knew exactly where it was leading. He broke away, and kissed my cheeks and all over my face and my neck, while his hands were casually stroking my sides and back. He switched positions, pulled me down over him as he leaned back. We kept on kissing passionately, I couldn't keep away, I couldn't stop touching his neck and his chest, holding him tight while he had his hands on my hips.

"I want you," he mumbled. We kept kissing. My heart was pounding in my chest. "I want to see you," he mumbled in-between kisses. He pulled of my top and I giggled, I saw the look in his eyes, and he flipped me over harshly so I was on my back. I brought my leg up to make him come closer. I was getting excited, and I unbuttoned his shirt sloppily and quickly, and he threw it away. It felt weird lying in bra and jeans, so I unbuttoned my jeans and crawled out of them. We kept kissing and he was going mental, the only thing between us was my knickers and his jeans and boxers...

"I want to get inside you, _now_," he mumbled hoarsely, while kissing. He fumbled with my bra and got it off finally and just took one look down at me. He shook his head and grinned. He kissed my breasts and down my stomach and my thighs, teasing me. He placed a kiss right between my legs, and then tugged my knickers and I let him take them off and toss them aside. He licked me and it was like heaven. He had certainly gotten better since we were together, and I didn't want to think about why. I didn't care how dirty the sofa was or how many girls he'd been with, I wanted him right there and then and I couldn't wait anymore.


	11. Dumb

11

So Draco and I had sex several times that night. It was difficult leaving him the next morning to go home, but I had to. Mum was probably going mental.

We kept on having sex for a few weeks, and nothing more really happened. We didn't really snuggle or say sweet things to each other. My life was rather stressful with both school and work, so we mostly slept over in each other's dormitories, and that meant we only had sex and slept, and never got to talk basically.

We eventually had a short talk about being friends with benefits; we liked having sex with each other so... Maybe it was all I needed.

Then a few weekends later, us girls went out. I hoped to see the boys and Draco but they didn't show up. A bunch of blokes came on to me that night, it was obvious they were interested but I rejected them all casually.

I went home early from the pub to sleep with Draco that night.

The next night, as Daphne and I were doing our makeup, preparing to go out again, she brought me down to earth.

"So, you're only friends with benefits. You haven't talked about anything?" she asked

"Not really no," I replied, sipping my glass of wine.

"And you don't find that odd?" she asked, eyebrows raised at me in the mirror. I was curling my hair.

"No, we're taking it slow I suppose." I shrugged.

"You're so naive sometimes, Pansy."

I frowned, I didn't believe her. "Why?"

"What's so special about that dick?" she asked. "There's plenty of fish in the sea!"

"I don't want a fish. And it's not his dick."

Daphne rolled her eyes. "Then why are you shagging him and rejecting other blokes because of it?"

I bet she'd seen me be cool to those blokes last night, bugger I thought.

"You're not together Pansy," she went on boldly. "If he wanted you like that he would've said it. Don't be like all those girls he uses. Don't be so dumb."

I swallowed and didn't reply. I felt like crying although I didn't know why. I wasn't like those girls he only wanted to shag – what about how he had held me in front of his parents at dinner, what about everything we'd been through – I wasn't just another girl to him, was I? Then why couldn't he commit? I hated Daphne sometimes for being so honest.

The next night, me Draco, Blaise, Theo, Crabbe and Goyle hung out in Draco's cellar room in the manor, with a few beers. I wondered all night if I was just his 'mate', one of the boys, and someone he shagged. Then he played with my hair and I laid my head down in his lap while he violently played FIFA. After that match, Theo and Blaise were playing so Draco had his hands free. He placed his beer can on my head and told me I was a brilliant beer stand. The boys all laughed. I didn't know what to think. Either he was being affectionate in his own way or just a wanker like most of the time. Then he took a sip of his beer, and intertwined his other hand with mine and brought it up to his mouth and kissed it, as he watched the screen. I was so surprised and looked up at him but his face didn't tell anything. I didn't think he knew what he was doing.

If he loved me, then why had nothing happened?

After that I didn't see him for a couple of weeks, until we returned to Hogwarts. He Owled a lot but I didn't answer. I needed to think. And I needed to be clever.


	12. End

12

A couple of weeks later, I hadn't seen Draco for several weeks. I ignored him in school. My birthday came up. May had come and I was turning seventeen. My friends had thrown me a surprise party. I remember doing my hair in Daphne's room in her manor (we were home for the weekend), believing we would just go out and have a few drinks with a few of my closest girlfriends, as we'd planned, when she left the room for a second. I just kept on getting ready, not thinking of it, and then she came back with a blindfold in her hands. And my mouth opened.

"No, what is that?" I started laughing. Daphne gave her loud laugh.

"Well, we're not really going out to have a few drinks with the girls, actually," she said happily. "Are you done with your makeup?"

"Well where are we going then!" I said, excited and surprised.

"You'll see," Daphne said with a glint in her eye. "Put this on when you're ready," she said casually and left it on the counter next to me. I just laughed a little.

"Okay I'm finished!" I shouted a few minutes later.

Daphne squealed. "Let's go!" she said excitedly and hurried to tie the blindfold around my head.

She led me out of the room and down a staircase – which took time when I didn't see anything. Then left – into her sitting room – and we Floo'd to a place of a town I hadn't heard the name of. I had no idea what she said or where we were going. When we stepped out of the fireplace at the other end of our trip, I said: "Daph, I'm getting nervous. Where are we?"

I only heard giggles and whispers. Seemed like there were other people here now too.

"You'll see soon enough!" said Daphne merrily, leading me.

"Where are we going?" I said extremely curious.

"You'll see!" singsonged Daphne

They took me to some kind of harbour; I knew that because when I got out of the building we had Floo'd to, I could smell the sea and hear the waves. Laughing, they led me onto something shaky and what felt like a small wooden deck. I was nervous. Suddenly someone ripped the blindfold off of my eyes and a shocking sight met me, about twenty or thirty people shouting "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" at me, and I jumped.

"Oh my gosh!" I said excitedly, and everyone laughed, I shook my head at Daphne, I couldn't believe it! I began greeting everyone: Tracey, Aurelia, Millicent, Mathilda, Scarlett, Felicia and Molly – my best girlfriends – Theo, Blaise, Crabbe, Goyle, Marcus, Montague, Pucey, Warrington, Bole, Derrick, Urquhart and Higgs – all the lads – a few of the older boys' Slytherin girlfriends – a couple of Ravenclaw boys who were Tracey's friends - Daphne's younger sister Astoria – and loads of other people, both from Hogwarts and who had finished. It was brilliant. I pushed back the small feeling inside me wondering where Draco was.

I hung out with everyone, it was brilliant, loads of fun, surprise birthday party on a boat - I mean can it get better?

And then Draco came. I was sitting so I saw the entrance, I saw him coming in, he had shaved his head, almost all of his blonde hair was gone, and was wearing a proper shirt. He was gorgeous, I couldn't keep my eyes away from him. I was surprised he would come, especially that he came late. I was sitting with my girlfriends at some sofas by a table, sipping on sparkling wine and I watched as all the lads greeted Draco. He was speaking with Theo and Blaise and they motioned towards me. I hastily looked down and sipped my drink. When I looked up, Draco was on his way over, giving me a cheeky glance. He was holding something in one hand, a small package.

"Draco, you came!" said Daphne and hugged him, he flashed his smile and greeted all the girls and came to me last. He didn't move in to hug me. I kept sitting down; he was standing in front of me.

"Happy birthday, you," he said and ruffled my hair. I couldn't help but to grin.

"Thank you," I said and raised an arm to make him hug me. He grinned and came down to hug me; I was suddenly pressed against his shoulder breathing in his scent. I tried to not enjoy it.

"I like your hair," I said. "Or lack of it."

"I know you do," he grinned. "Hope you haven't cut the cake yet," he went on. He was surprisingly pleasant and nice today.

I beamed. "No," was all I could come up with saying. He wiggled his eyebrows at me.

"What's that?" I asked, motioning towards the small package in his hand.

He waved it off, as Blaise, Warrington and Pucey came up behind him. "I'll give it to you later," he said.

"You coming out for a smoke mate?" Warrington said. Draco nodded and then ruffled my hair again.

"Seventeen, you're getting big," he said grinning. I raised my eyebrows, smiling slightly. I was breathless. "See you," he said and they went outside.

Draco made sure to cut the cake with me and to feed me a piece. Daphne was quick to take a picture. It was surprising and odd but I couldn't pretend like I didn't enjoy it. He joked and smiled and seemed so... nice... It was different. Everyone was watching us as I opened my presents. I received a big bunch of them; it took forever to open them all. While I ripped off the wrapping of a pair of earrings from Mathilda, I felt Draco place his hand on my lower back. It was warm and felt like a boyfriend's hand. It was difficult to not picture how everything would be like if we'd never broken up. It was difficult to not snuggle closer to him.

I kept being with my friends and dancing and talking to everybody, the party was wild and there were a lot of people I hadn't seen for a long time, everyone wanted to take a picture with me so I felt a little stressed almost; I couldn't just sit down and relax for one minute.

"Happy birthday love!" shouted Daphne and embraced me on the dance floor, kissing my head. "You're amazing!"  
All my friends were unusually loving, it was fun! It made me realise they really appreciate me. I had the best friends ever, throwing me this. I made sure to tell them all the time.

I was getting slightly drunk. Everyone was dancing and it was brilliant. I kept dancing with my girlfriends for I dunno how long, it was so much fun. Best night in a long time. Then we were all getting hot and went out on deck for a cigarette. The boys were sitting outside.

"Hiya birthday girl" said Theo and everyone was happy to see me. Draco was just sitting smoking, talking to Montague. I sat down in Theo's lap; he's one of my oldest friends so it wasn't odd. We all lit our cigarettes and I blew out smoke, and hastily a conversation began.

When I was almost done with my cigarette, I got up and walked away slightly to get away from the noise and just breathe for a minute, standing by the rail inhaling the salt. I threw my cigarette in the water and looked out over the harbour. Just then, someone came and stood next to me, placing his arms with rolled up shirt sleeves on the rail. I turned to him. _Finally_.

Draco exhaled smoke and said: "Are you having a good birthday?"

He sounded so unusually sweet and kind. It was odd.

"Yes," I smiled and looked out over the water.

"You look very good today," he commented casually.

"Why are you so nice?" I blurted out.

He laughed. "Well it's your birthday, innit? And guess what'll make it even better?" he said confidently.

I turned to him, raising my eyebrows. "What?" I grinned. He pulled out the small package and handed it over to me. I didn't dare to look into his eyes. I removed the bow and opened the lid and inside I found a thin sparkling silver bracelet. I put my hand over my mouth.

"Oh, my gosh," I mumbled. Then I looked up at him. "You shouldn't have done that"

He was only smiling slightly, leaning slightly sideways on the rail, looking at me.

"You only turn seventeen once," he commented casually. I just shook my head as I took it out of the box and held it.

"No you really shouldn't have, though... Draco..." I looked up at him, couldn't believe it.

"Whatever," he waved it off. "I like to spoil you."

It sent a tingle to my stomach. He still cared for me after not being my boyfriend for a year.

"Thank you so much," I said and moved up to hug him. It was an awkward hug from my side although I didn't want it to end. It felt weird being close to him like that, and not in a pub while he was being a dick, or while we were having casual sex.

"You're cold.." he mumbled, stroking my arms. I pulled away.

"That's alright," I said hastily.

"So why have you been avoiding me and ignoring me?" he asked. I didn't dare to look at him.

"I don't know," I said quietly, frowning.

"I miss you," he blurted out. I turned away.

"We've been over this before Draco..."

"I know," he said, and turned to me. "I just don't know what to do about it."

I turned to look at him and he gave me a shrug as he backed away.

I just stood there for a few minutes, not knowing what to do. He left to sit with his friends, left me alone again and I couldn't stand it. I had to solve everything. I could not stand this back-and-forth, does-he-love-me-or-doesn't-he merry-go-round. I went after him firmly and approached him by his friends.

"Can I talk to you again?" I said, and my voice was about to break. I didn't care if his friends heard.

Adrenaline was pumping through me. _This is it_. He looked slightly surprised but got up and I turned around hastily and walked away, and he followed.

"What's up?" he asked. He wasn't in control this time, and that was different. He had no idea what I was about to do or say. He wasn't patronising or condescending or teasing me.

I turned to him and took a deep breath. "I avoided you because," I began and had to force my shaky voice to not be so loud. "I avoided you because maybe I can't just be friends with you."

I was breathing fast; he was just looking at me. "Or only have sex with you," I added and there was a slight blame in my tone. He looked away. Why wouldn't he say anything?

There was a huge lump in my throat.

"So what do you want to do?" he finally said, hoarse. I held up my hands and gave him a look as if to say I didn't have a clue.

"This just panned out," he said. "It wasn't supposed to be like this."

"Don't bullshit me, I know you."

He stared at me. Then he sighed. "It's weird for me too."

"Yeah?" I said, not believing him. "Well, I can't do this back and forth thing with you anymore." I was shaking, and so was my voice.

"Alright, yeah, I get that," he said, nodding hastily, as if he didn't want me to be angry with him, his voice was unusually soft and he seemed bothered.

"I mean..." tears welled up in my eyes, I couldn't hold it back anymore, "I was finally back in your arms, but it didn't feel right. It wasn't like I thought it would be..."

He started frowning and looked honestly sad. "Stop crying." He brought up his hands to my face to dry my tears. "Don't cry on your birthday."

"No," I said, "stop comforting me."

He sighed and pulled his hands away from my face, crossing his arms.

"It's weird for me as well. It's just feels weird when you're not my girlfriend. You'll always be my Pansy some way, and it's weird having to stop myself from hugging you and kissing you... I suppose I've always got this need to take care of you."

"Oh well, gosh, thank you, that's just what I want," I said bitterly sarcastic and wiped my eyes.

"I don't think I can be friends with you," he said then, ignoring me. My heart sank. "It's just so hard seeing you without being able to touch you or be with you properly."

"So what are you saying?" I asked, and my tone was going up to hysterics without me being able to stop it. I was shaking. "We should just stop seeing each other?"

He looked at me. "I dunno if that's what I want."

I angrily wiped my tears and said: "Well when you figure out, come let me know." And I turned on my heel, but he grabbed my arm and stopped me.

"What?!" I said, my voice louder. I couldn't help it. Tears were still pouring down my face. I felt desperate.

"I don't want to lose you," he said. He looked frightened, his eyes wide open. As if something was happening that he had to stop.

"You've chosen to lose me a hundred times," I accused him. He was taken aback.

This was actually happening. It was all ending.

He was tearing up too, but trying to hide it. "Stop it," he began. I shook my head. "Pansy." he sounded desperate, his voice was about to break.

"I can't do this anymore," I barely got the words out, whispered.

"But I don't want to lose you," he repeated.

"But you can't just be with me." I couldn't stop crying.

"Yes, I can," he said quickly, wiping a tear from his own eye. "I love you."

That was it. The happy ending everyone else wished for.


End file.
